BEAUTY + BRAINS = BRIANNE

Friday

2011-10-28T11:52:00.001-07:00

I am Killing time waiting for the dishwasher to finish up so I can run another load of dishes. There's a bit of sun out, which is great! I'm going through a Star Trek mood, and thankfully, have squirreled away quite a few books for the winter. Vanguard series is actually surprisingly good science fiction, while some of the others...well.... lack.
The one I'm on now is "First Frontier", a dismal piece of Jurassic Park rip off. Velociraptors who eat redshirts. Now I'd play that on my bed-room floor with action figures when I was like...9 years old, but as serious fiction it fails. My opinion of course. On the other hand, reading it is like having a tootsie roll, especially after a few pages of Livy's History of Rome. I'm enjoying that, but I wish the Romans had had more than 12 names.
In other news; electrolysis hurts, and is still going slowly forward. I'm struggling with my food plan. I don't like having to go to doctor's appointments without a car - and Thank You Tom Cruise for stealing my car last night!! (Ok, so it was only a dream, but really, did you have to steal my car??).
My plans for this sunny day are pretty simple. Get the dishes done, and clean up the kitchen. Nothing I can't handle right??
Brianne

MORE MEGO NERDYNESS

2011-03-17T10:53:00.001-07:00

I'm a nerdy toy fan I admit. Too much Star Wars, Star Trek, and RPGs growing up. (OK childhood was hell and I needed escape, but that WAS then). I'm always impressed though when toys become modern art. Here is a picture of a catalog page that never existed. Some mego collectors set this up, and now I wish I was a flush kid in the 70s. I'd have bought it all....

having fun with my Mego Dolls!

2011-03-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

More Mego fun! I finally got to order my Sulu Mego Repro, and picked up a Mego Bridge playset for pennies on Ebay. It's not complete, no chairs or control panels... but the whole thing will be going in for refit anyway. I'm planning on using different art inside and scratch building the missing stuff. And I'll be making lots of screens....

Being back on the net means I've managed to find free copies of most of the old FASA Star Trek RPG, lots of pictures, Federation and Empire, and even comics from the old days....

And, of course, paper models! Lots of paper models from Trekdom. :)

Right now on Ebay someone is selling the Mars Bar promotional package for STMP. I'd gotten it when I was a kid. I carefully folded and assembled it, and put the poster up on my wall to look at every day. How cool to see that printed paper still out there unbuilt somewhere....

Anyway, these are my Star Trek toys I bought this month. The J.J. Abram's re-imagined Enterprise, worthy to berth beside the original and the STMP designs. The Playmates Sulu I got mostly for the accessories. Playmates did a wonderful phaser, tricorder, and communicator. Just a tad big for my Megos, but with a mold, some slightly shrinking resin, a new mold...and white metal.. welp I can hope to give everyone on my bridge a nice shiny new set of accessories....I've even thought about using a teeny magnet set to allow them to attatch to the back of the pants under the shirt...or was it a belt they used? anyhow. That would be fun to do.

I say a blog that says Diamond Select will be putting out an Orion, the Salt Monster, and two other figures soon. I'm hope, hope, hoping!

On my list of dolls I now have; Kirk, Spock, McCoy, an Andorian, and Sulu with the bridge coming in the mail.
Ah. Star Trek meets dolls! Yay!

Makes me want to run a Star Trek RPG with Traveller rules....

Stratos and Bespin

2011-03-17T09:17:00.001-07:00

I just love seeing artists influence each other. Film, TV, and visual communication requires so many talents to make a single image that there's always overlap, borrowing, and re-imagining from one artist or group to another.

Here's a great example. In the 60s Matt Jefferies was the lead designer for the Star Trek series. For the episode "The Cloud Minders" he invented a flying city. Once filmed with it's clouds and orange sky it looked great. That is, it told the story, got the idea across to the audience. In retrospect it's pretty hokey, but that's OK. The idea...the concept, is the main thing. It's a great representation of an idea.

Fast forward to 1980, about 10 years later, and along comes ILMs crew to create.... A floating city in orange clouds for The Empire Strikes Back.

There's a lot shared here. And, if you add in the look of the Star Trek saucer things on K7 space station (derived directly from Nasa prototypes in thier own right) you get a lot of curious mixing begining to happen!

One odd thing though, In the Lucas Remastering of Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back...I noticed the Orange sky getting bluer.... hmmmn.

Is Stratos City on Bespin?

2011-03-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

Woot! I still have a blog!

OK. Just a nerdy/trekkie/SFie note.

Did you know Matt Jefferies designed Bespin? Yep. No doubt about it, Star Trek (TOS) fan that I am, I hadn't seen this episode. But there it is in glorious color.... a primitive Bespin Cloud City. Go Jefferies!

As you can see, there had to be some inspiration for Bespin coming from "The Cloud Minders" episode. A floating city, in the orange clouds, tall spires of rounded forms. Come on... Can these NOT have been related? On the wierder side, the new paramount "remastered" version of this episode features a CGI version of Jefferies original that probably owes some back to ILM.

Art rocks!

Still here in the world!

2011-02-28T11:23:00.001-08:00

I've been spending a little more time on the internet now that I have a Fiancee with a computer. I've been putting in some Ornrian typing. Updating my Imagi-Nation blog. This morning I spent sewing on a beautiful light pink princess gown for Barbie. I have about 40 or so figures on the painting desk, I think they are Ornrian bad guys.... Or not. Depends on how I feel when I'm done with them.
Debbie and I will be going to OA today, and Dad's supposed to be bringing some goodies over. I'm hoping to get another quarter. Debbie will trace a quarter on my face, and do electrolysis until it's cleared. We call it a quarter when she does it. Hurts a little bit, but I like getting it done. Another step in the process!
Well, that's all I got for now.
Oh, and I did lose 16 pounds since November, and I'm at 260. Far cry from my 500 pound top weight hunh?

update

2009-10-07T11:06:00.000-07:00

hi all
pride conference this weekend - try to attend as much as possible.
DON'T FORGET - we're having a potluck at the community center in palmer, on the corner of cottonwood and bailey. Sturday october 17th at 3pm. please come and visit and we'll get to know one another better.
call me (talyne) @ 746-5057 for details, otherwise... see you there!

here we are

2009-09-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

Hello...it's me, talyne... not Bri. Brianne is offline so I am talking to you instead. she had a few things she wanted me to pass on.
first off, Bri is good but like i said...no internet.

New blood
bri and i were at vagabond blues for coffee on wednesday and we met with Chris, a board member for 4 A's. he was checking out the group as well as giving us info on a needle exchange program that 4 A's is trying to institute in the valley. we'll keep you posted on that. if you'd like to volunteer for a needle exchange program please call the 4 A's in anchorage.

Board Meeting
Heads up for an important board meeting coming up. we need to get some solid ideas for fundraising going and so our co-chairs, our treasurer, me (community agency liaison) are getting together to discuss this. one of us is under the weather right now so we'll let you know that date.

Coming Out Day and Pride Conference
Pride conference is next month. Many of you will (hopefully) be attending the anchorage events but some of you never go to anchorage for anything so we are going to have our own Potluck party to celebrate Coming Out!
Saturday - October 17th at the Center on Bailey Street. Please come, I'd really like to meet you all. BRING YOUR CHILDREN! we want this to be a family event. Time will be announced but we are thinking about an afternoon thing. Any preferences on time? sorry the date is firm

Choir
I am having car trouble these days and so I hesitate to start the choir back up until my car is fixed. but when we do, it will only meet twice per month instead of every week.
And I have decided that trying to accommodate everyone so that the day fits their schedule is impossible so I am doing it on the evening that I am available and that is Wednesdays. I know this is hard for some people because it is a church day, but every day I picked was hard for somebody so this is the way it is. Hope to see you singers there.

Well that's it for now...hope you are having a wonderful day and hope to see you at coffee on wednesday.
hang in there - talyne

creepy? Evil? Twisted? Christianazi ?

2009-07-17T15:30:00.001-07:00

Here's an Article I got from Huffington Post.

Palin Attended Church Event With Samurai Sword Ceremony

digg stumble reddit del.ico.us

Read More: Sarah Palin, Seven Mountains, Politics News

facebook

Share this with friends on Facebook.com!

Get Breaking News Alerts

never spam

On June 7th, 2008 Sarah Palin interrupted her schedule of state business and spent Alaska state taxpayer money to fly down from Juneau to the Mat-Su Valley where she attended on June 8th two religious events dominated by the Wasilla Assembly of God, which is demonstrably Palin's key Alaska church.

At the end of one those events, young adults in a church Palin had attended for over two decades were presented with Samurai swords. "Warriors of old were considered undressed if they were without their sword... Swords were worn in service to the lord of the realm. Some of the most renounced swordsmen were the Samurai," intoned a church member officiating the sword ceremony, who then quoted Psalms 149 verses 6-9:

"May the praise of God be in their mouths and a double edged sword in their hands to inflict vengeance on the nations, and punishment on the peoples, and to bind their kings with fetters, their nobles with shackles of iron, and to carry out the sentence written against them."

In the lead up to the November 4th, 2008 presidential election there was an almost total failure, of not only mainstream but also alternative media and even bloggers, to inform the American voting public about the very specific and militant nature of the Christian religious tendency Sarah Palin was demonstrably heavily linked to.

In one of the two ceremonies Palin attended on June 8, 2008, known as "One Lord Sunday," a Christian supremacist gathering of Mat-Su valley area Christian church members, Palin was blessed and anointed by Wasilla Assembly of God head pastor Ed Kalnins. A second ceremony Palin attended that day was nationally publicized for footage on the Wasilla church's website that showed Palin giving a speech in honor of students graduating from the Wasilla Assembly of God's Masters Commission program.

In the speech, governor Palin effused, "It was so cool growing up in this church!" and went on to suggest the US military presence in Iraq and Afghanistan was sanctioned by God, and the governor. And Palin was prayed and blessed over by Ed Kalnins and Wasilla Assembly of God Paul Riley. But media did not delve into the nature of the Masters Commission program, nor reporters and journalists, or bloggers for that matter, bother to watch the video segment of the June 8th, 2008 Wasilla AoG video segment in full.

Anyone who did so would have noticed, later on in the ceremony, 1) a speaker addressing Palin from the stage, indicating she was still in the audience and, 2) shortly after, a ceremony in which male 3-year Masters Commission students were presented with Samurai swords, in a ceremony which mentioned the Samurai code of honor. Special note was made of the specific uses of the Samurai swords gifted to the students, such as cutting down opponents from horseback, ground-level combat, and in very close combat -- as an auxiliary blade to be plucked out for a sudden, killing blow.

The one female 3-year graduate of the program present in the ceremony was presented with a western-style broadsword that also was larger than the Samurai swords presented to the male students.

[below: 3-year graduates of Masters Commission Wasilla Alaska program given swords]

Other video to be found on the Wasilla church's web site, from a September 7, 2007 Masters Commission event at the Wasilla Assembly God, shows a national Masters Commission speaker waving a sword about from the pulpit while addressing students in the program, then playing an excerpt from the Mel Gibson movie The Patriot and suggesting to the program students that there are times when it is necessary to fight.

[below: Masters Commission national speaker Jayme Montera waves sword about during sermon, plays clip from Mel Gibson war movie "The Patriot"]

From September through to November 4th, 2008, there was an almost uniform failure, by not only mainstream media and progressive media but also bloggers, to notice such unusual and highly distinctive characteristics of Palin's religious associations. It was more than a trivial oversight; following the election, a story printed in the February 2009 issue of Charisma Magazine confirmed Palin's continuing association with Alaska religious leader Mary Glazier.

Glazier is a high level leader in a religious movement known as the New Apostolic Reformation (NAR). She and Sarah Palin prayed together, both over the phone and in person, the Charisma story revealed.

On June 13, 2008 Mary Glazier told attendees at the "Opening the Gate of Heaven on Earth" conference, who represented many of the New Apostolic Reformation's top leaders, that,

There is a tipping point, at which, at which time, because of the sin of the land, the people then have to be displaced.... God is preparing a people to displace the ones whose sin is rising so that then they tip over and the church goes in -- one is removed and the church moves in and takes the territory. Now, that does not mean that the people are removed, because God removes them from the Kingdom of Darkness into the Kingdom of Light. They are given an opportunity to change allegiances.

Later in the speech, Mary Glazier described how she had been present at the inception of Sarah Palin's political career and that Palin was in her personal prayer group :

There was a twenty-four year old woman that God began to speak to about entering into politics. She became a part of our prayer group out in Wasilla. Years later, became the mayor of Wasilla. And last year was elected Governor of the state of Alaska. Yes! Hallelujah! At her inauguration she dedicated the state to Jesus Christ. Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

On January 7, 2009, both Mary Glazier and another key Third Wave and New Apostolic leader, Dutch Sheets, appeared at the church most closely linked to Sarah Palin, the Wasilla Assembly of God, where Palin was re-baptized and attended for over two and a half decades. During the church service Sheets declared that Glazier "was the lady who brought us into the state [Alaska]." On June 7, 2009 another New Apostolic Reformation leader, International Coalition of Apostles member Lance Wallnau, gave a talk at the Wasilla church, in which he outlined the "Seven Mountains Mandate."

The July 12-14, 2008 Opening the Gate of Heaven on Earth conference that featured a number of speeches and sermons -- on the plans of leaders of the New Apostolic Reformation to take control of society and government through their "Seven Mountains Strategy."

These efforts to take control of religion, family, education, arts and entertainment, media, government, and business are clearly defined in their publicity and in numerous conferences on their efforts. In an October 16, 2005 Wasilla Assembly of God church event, in a speech given shortly before he blessed and anointed Sarah Palin, Thomas Muthee quite plainly laid out the need to take over the seven "kingdoms" in the short sermon, or speech, Muthee gave before the anointing of Sarah Palin.

Loren Cunningham is credited as one of three evangelists who supposedly received the Seven Mountains idea as a vision from God. Cunningham is founder of the global evangelizing organization Youth With a Mission, which owns the increasingly notorious "C Street House" where GOP Senators John Ensign and Tom Coburn enjoy cut-rate rent and Bible classes, and swap personal secrets such as news of Ensign's recently disclosed extramarital affair.

For another informed take on Sarah Palin's religious and political leanings, see Alaska native Leah Burton's recent book Theo Palinism: The Face of Failed Extremism

For further reading, see:

Palin Ties To Militant Religious Movement Confirmed

Palin Pastors, Ensign C Street House Owner Promote Same Infiltration Plan

Fighting Demons, Raising the Dead, Taking Over the World

Prosperity, Spiritual Warfare, and the "On-Demand" God

The New Christianity: What the Mainstream Media Has Missed

and [website section with collection of stories]

Palin's Churches and the New Apostolic Reformation

sunday ruminations

2009-07-12T17:19:00.000-07:00

Last week Sarah Welton gave an interesting sermon in my Church. The subject was the wall of separation between Church and State. It centered around the 4 basic freedoms that Baptism as a denomination of Christianity deem central to our understanding of humanity's relationship with Providence.

SOUL FREEDOM: We believe in the priesthood of all believers,
the freedom and responsibility of every person
to relate directly to God without imposition of
creed or control of clergy or government.
Believer’s baptism, freely chosen by those old
enough to make their own decision, is the
symbolic expression of this conviction.
BIBLE FREEDOM: We believe that the Bible is the foundational
understanding of our faith. The Scriptures,
therefore, are read and interpreted in public
worship and in private study.
We affirm the freedom of all to study
and apply the teachings of scripture to
contemporary life.
CHURCH FREEDOM: We believe in the autonomy of the local church.
We believe that Baptist churches are free to
determine their membership and leadership,
to order their worship and work, to ordain
whomever they perceive as gifted for ministry,
and to participate as they deem appropriate in
denominational and ecumenical bodies.

RELIGIOUS FREEDOM: We believe in the freedom of religion,
freedom for religion, and freedom from religion.
We support the separation of church and state,
believing that such a separation is healthy for
the church and the state.

In this context Ms. Welton delivered these words at the Church of the Covenant.

"If the First amendment was put out there for a vote today would it pass? The Baptist Joint Committee on religious Liberty believes that with the climate we are in right now it would not pass.

A survey was done of 100,000 high school students. One out of three students reported that they thought the First Amendment goes too far in the rights that it guarantees you as a US citizen.

One half of the students think that the government should approve stories in newspapers before they are printed.

Many are lacking the knowledge of Freedom. Sadly, our students are lacking the knowledge of freedom and what it means. Our Churches are also lacking in understanding the freedoms that we hold dear in this congregation. This church has endeavored to study the freedoms and is currently reading founding Faith by Steven Waldman. We have a pretty good foundation for understanding that Baptists were extremely influential in setting up the freedom of religion and liberty of conscience.

About 50 years ago most Baptist churches also had a good foundation on the Fragile Freedoms. The members were aware but somewhere in the 1970s the freedoms started to be challenged and discounted as unimportant, . Groups lie the Roger Williams Fellowship and the Baptist Joint Committee came out of the response to taking away or changing the interpretation of the freedoms.

We have continued to support the separation of Church and State. Many Baptist Politicians downplay the freedom of religion once they start campaigning when it comes to the wall of separation. We know that it was in a letter from thomas Jefferson and not in the constitution or the amendments. The claim by these politicians is that this is a Christian Nation.

"If they don't like America the way it is, let them leave" one ardent believer in the US is a Christian Nation. I believe the Native Americans and Native Alaskans would have had those sentiments when they had to deal with the missionary zeal of some of the conquering peoples. In early New Englaand the Anglicans and the Puritans felt that way about the Baptists too.

Freedom is the essence of Baptist Theology and is tin the Baptist DNA when we get to the roots. Many Baptist have not been exposed to the roots and have no idea why Baptists are Baptists except for full water Immersion for Baptism.

Quoting directly from Shurden" The Baptist affirmation of freedom is not simply an American I deal that we happen to embrace. For us, freedom is spiritual before it is political; it is theological before it is cultural; it was part of the Baptist Enlightenment before there was an age of Enlightenment.

Quite simply, freedom of conscience is the will of God for the Baptist heritage. Long before freedom of conscience was central to being an American citizen, it was at the core of what it meant to be a Baptist."

Shruden quotes charles Kimball who wrote the book "When Religion becomes Evil" What are we going to do as individuals and the church to protect the freedoms = that we hold dear to us?

From Shurden again "We as Baptists have to work to keep the vision alive that birthed us, who gave us our existence, and that gave us respect in American society. This is no navel gazing, self fixated vision, but a vision that transcends us that includes the freedom of all people. It is a theological vision.

Shurden quotes Hellen Keller; when she was asked if anything was worse than losing her sight she answered "Yes, losing one's vision".

Let us hold onto our vision and our freedom, by all that holds meaning for us. Amen."

I must say that I find the fact that 1/3 of our poll sample believed that the First Amendment was too liberal, and that 1/2 of the polled believe in government censorship INTENSELY disturbing. No, more than that, FRIGHTENING.

Where can such an Idea come from? What lack of historical understanding could possibly justify knocking the legs from under our Republic?

It's my firm belief that the United States needs some reform. If so fundamental a principle as freedom of expression is threatened, then what on earth will prevent dissent from becoming criminal? A country with no dissent is a disaster. In every single recorded instance nations that allow no dissent descend into violence and madness. Terror becomes rife.

Is that what we want? A despotic nation? A police state?

You see, I believe Political Power ultimately rests on the principle of a Monopoly on Violence. The idea that a government at it's core holds the reigns of legally sanctioned death. The Federal Government has the potential, through it's large machinery of war, to put the atrocities in Russia, Germany, North Korea, Sudan, and Cambodia in a shadow. Were it's dogs of war unleashed on it's own citizens it could become the most horrifyingly despotic and violent regime ever. Our Grand Experiment in self governance, would be made into a travesty.

What holds that at bay? What force is it that prevents such a slide into civil war and terrorism, unrest and mass violence? It is Education. Solid, fundamental, rational education. For a state to remain a free republic it's citizens must be able to engage in informed debate, and have the intelligence to recognize enlightened self interest, and come to compromises.

Today we are seeing education undermined by dogma. Freedom to think is indeed essential to the republican process, and that implies the freedom to follow a dogma, but Education must in the end be non partisan, it must stay secular, and in its early grades be based on a consensus view of the vetted and published works of scientists and researchers, of the best artists, and the experiences of our finest athletes. I do believe there is an important role for the moral learning provided by religion, but that MUST stay out of our classrooms except perhaps in the most general and ambiguous of ways. Leave religion in the home. Let science be at school. The fusion of solid education, and strong moral ethic creates citizens who can be a backbone of the democratic system.

Brianne

Hi folks!

2009-07-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

I follow a blog about Mrs. O, and I just had to share this beautiful outfit. She's a stunning dresser, no doubt~! She's in Italy right now, and next to those other stuffy G8 wives, she IS sunshine! Our country may be near the bottom of the heap in terms of economic well being, education, equal rights, wealth distribution, and domestic violence, but at least we got Pretty.

The Definition of Irony!

2009-07-07T10:11:00.001-07:00

Yeah! Hillary, don't take criticism personally! Take it like a real woman!!

Hmmm, some more Republican "Do as I say, not as I do"?

My latest Barbie - Clairissa!

2009-06-26T13:25:00.001-07:00

Here she is. Clairissa, dressed for an enchanting evening. Ken damn well better take her somewhere fine.

Tuesday ramble

2009-06-23T14:19:00.000-07:00

Hi all.

I wanted to go to AnchorTown for the Assembly meeting again today, but transportation intervened. The worthless Valley transit system gave me two arrival times, early morning, or after it started. Not worth the bus exchanges and $$. 4 dollars a ride, plus $4.00 at each bus change. All to wait downtown, or burden a friend until Showtime.

Father's Day has come and gone. It's been a full year now since I came out to my parents as Transgendered. My brother still hasn't spoken to me, and I can count the number of family visits I've had on one hand. The good news is that my folks are sort of sinking into acceptance and doing a fine job of letting me know they love my anyway.

I on the other hand, have been much too busy to worry about FOO (Family of Origin) drama. I'm adding Electrolysis to my bag of skills now, and I want to do a good job of studying, so I'm beginning with Hinkle and Lind's textbook, thoughtfully loaned by Anja. Knowing how to properly do blend electro will be a blessing to all the girls in the community, as it's an enormous expense and encumbrance.

I'm still deeply involved in the MatSu TBGL Community Center. I love helping foster a sense of community in the valley. I strongly feel that Isolation is very bad for all people, especially those who are LBGT as we are so systematically minimized in the Valley.

Yesterday I started the ball rolling for DVR. I'm hoping Voc Rehab will pay for me to go back to School. I'd like to join the helping professions, and am thinking of gearing toward counseling or social work.

I stopped smoking again. I was getting close to a pack a day, and I've seen the awfulness it brings close hand, so it's important to get off them now.

I'm down a size now, I can wear my "skinny" jeans that are "only" a size 26. That's fun!

I have a Doctor's appointment today, but after that I think I'll spend my evening sewing, I'm going to venture into "real" garment sewing, since I want a new top and a nice pair of leggings. Wish me Luck!

Well, that catches up the personal life stuff.

The TG support Group has had some rumpled feathers lately, which happens from time to time. I'm sad that Dan has decided to leave, but I think it's for the best, the rest of us now need to turn our attention to doing some important things for our TG community. I really want to give us a voice and some attention.

Now Attention is not a popular word among Transexuals, most of us spend most of our time avoiding same. After all attention IS somewhat synonymous among us for having the cops beat your face in, or laugh while you are being raped in a jail cell, or being shot in the head from across the street when your brother comes to pick you up at a party. Attention has been much more a Drag Queen, or Transvestite option historically. But I think the time is coming when our identities as Transexuals can be embraced, the word can be a proud part of the Gender we are. I'm happy and pleased to be a Transwoman. Does it make me less of a woman? No. Does it mean that I'm a "not quite woman", only if I allow it to mean that. What I want is to give the sense that I am, indeed a woman, but I recognize that I am inherently different from fully genetic females and fully genetic men. Our society works in overtime to push all Transfolk into a gender binary. We are told (As often are Bisexuals) You must pick! White or Black? On or Off? Man or Woman?

Well, I am a woman. I interact with my environment as a woman, I live as a woman, I love as a woman, and I treat with the people in my life as a woman. My body will never ever be the same as if I had been genetically female at birth, no amount of surgery can reconcile my physical machinery, with the neural machinery in my skull. That means I can choose to live a lie and pretend to be Male, or I can elect to pretend myself an ordinary woman. Or I can embrace the reality that I am wired to be female, but live in a male body. I am a species of "Other".

Being "other" can be frightening. It automatically ostracizes us. It's the source of public fear and hate, and makes us vulnerable to oppression, violence, and unfairness in every sphere of our lives. Is it any wonder that so Many of us want to run from embracing the Gray Area we inhabit, and safely shelter in the harbor of hidden identities? We allow the general public to spread falsehoods about who we are, confound us with Drag Queens and Transvestites, and be hateful and misinformed when we hide behind our masks, afraid that outing our opinions will out us, and subject us to domestic terrorism. It's not an irrational fear. Day of Remembrance

has posted the statistics.

Most of our murders go unsolved, and nearly all of them are far more brutal, (from having heads slowly caved in with bricks or fire extinguishers, to kidnapping, severe traumatic rape and being left in the wilderness to die) than the general population. And yet breaking our silence could help this. Teaching the world that we are not to be feared, and that the uncomfortable small space between XX and XY, is a safe and OK space.

Not entirely one or the other, embracing the middle doesn't rule out a simple calm life in our preferred gender role, and it doesn't threaten our mates or spouses with sexual perversion. A man who loves a Transwoman, or vice versa regarding Transmen, doesn't make the spouse a homosexual person.

When it's understood by the general public that this is so, the fear that men (nearly exclusively the perpetrators of evil towards us) have of us is diminished. When fufilling sex with a transwoman becomes as worthy a matter to crow about as it is any other woman, and a straight man is as socially allowed to trumpet his conquest proudly as the sexist bastard already does with genetic women, we will have made a long stride towards acceptance and safety.

In other words, when straight men no longer see their personal sexuality challenged. When the stigma of being a Gay Man, by not attaching to them, no longer scares them to the degree that they need to "kill the fag (which represents the ignorant confusion of fag with transexual)" to make the "social sin" of dalliance with us right, then we can join with the genetically born women in the battle for women's rights and continue our work there.

OR, maybe by making homosexuality understood by straight men in a way that doesn't equate with somehow being less than a straight. That having sex with a man doesn't make one less able to camp, fish, tell sexist jokes, drink awfully gritty coffee, kill enemies of the state, mow the lawn, Bar-B-Cue, hunt, guzzle crappy beer, or get greasy under the truck and play Tag football with your buddies (well maybe Tag Football, I always did wonder about the whole butt pat thing). Then the fear that one's friends will ostracize and abuse your honor, steal your girl and screw her in your own truck will diminish.

Preposterone can then be channeled into the fight against abuse, Abuse of Children, women, wealth, and power.

And we will have come a long way towards that imaginary healthy society all of us claim to want.

~Brianne!

Lotsa Fun!

2009-06-22T21:33:00.001-07:00

Valenbarbie

2009-06-20T02:53:00.001-07:00

Just putting this up for Emosnail. Wish I had pictures of the other dolls I've made. I'll get them eventually.

Etymology

2009-06-13T18:19:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking I spelled that right.

So, here I am this evening, listening to this pretty little bit of NPR, fun fun.

Well and So. I had a great purely social conversation with Ms. R. Now in my ramblings I came around to use that vocabulary enhance-er "Vetted". Now this word, though familiar to my conversant was not well understood by her. So intelligently, she asked me to define it. Although I know the definition was NOT "um...um" so I'm sure I confused her a moment.

Sadly I, who pride myself on my extensive vocabulary, was caught up short... context is great an' all, but what exactly DOES "Vetted" mean??

Well, some one of my school teachers once told me, (I think), that if you didn't know a word you should look it up right away. So here I am with my nice big 1968 Webster's New World Dictionary. (Yeah, I know there's lots of websites that can give fine word definitions and search them up faster than my bumbling alphabetical skills, but they don't weigh 5 lbs, and feel sexy in my hand, and smell so....booky....)

So here goes, stashed between Vesuvius and Vetch, Vet; to examine, investigate, and evaluate in a thorough or expert way.

Bless you Mr. Webster, and nice work on that whole devil law case, really admired it.

Here's a great quote I ran across today;

"You see, I don't think the sunrise is as good as the moonlight."

It's from the beautiful Candy Darling, who sadly died as a result of Swedish Hormone induced Lukemia - another gorgeous transwoman, and a heroic one, posing for photographs uncomplainingly even as she was wracked with pain on her deathbed. I'm sure she's looking FABULOUS up in heaven guardian angeling us struggling trannies down here below.

Now a word on Schmokin' ; Kids, don't smoke. yes, I know it really is black-and-white-movie-star-accessory shiekly glamorous, and I know I sadly, have lapsed in my whole not smoking thing, which is ironic considering how much it's in the news lately. Why would ANYONE breath in smoke intentionally? Especially with all the stuff we know happens to the body with exposure to it. Blah. And you know, it smells awful after a couple of hours, just like stale beer does.

They used to call it a nasty habit, way back when. And I have to admit, an ashtray full of black and brown ashes and old butts sure doesn't seem all that elegant. Finally, you'd think someone on a very limited income would be concerned by that expense; four days of healthy food or 40 death-nail-cancer-sticks? hmmn.

I guess it goes to show that humanity isn't a very intelligent bunch of animals after all. Maybe ol' Linnaeus' Homo Sapiens should be replaced by Homo Stupidicus some day...

Pride day is right around the corner, along with the Solstice Holiday. Looking forward to walking down the narrow (minded), dirty, provincial streets of Anchorage, with all my Queer Brothers and Sisters. Even if the boys and girls of the Homo persuasion (see possible Latin Taxonomic substitution above) who keep advocating pushing out the T from LBGT. At least we do have many powerful allies in those camps, and after all poopieheads abound in every group.

and my newest car fetish cheesecake, the '09 Thunderbird!

Blowing the dust off this blog.

2009-04-25T14:53:00.000-07:00

Take me on a Rocket Ride!

OK. As most folks know, I'm not the largest video game nut in the world. However I do LOVE my PS2 and have been addicted to Need for Speed: Underground II for a while.

I can sit (and do) for hours making myself carsick, light headed and nauseated running my beautiful shiney customized cars at virtual speeds of 180MPH and more through downtown streets. Ooooh,...... Shiney.....

(NB. The Toyota on the left isn't one of mine I just wanted to show off the game's render engine). My Latest car - a Mitsubishi GT3000 is a fast one, but handling is a bit slippery.

Some good reasons to race the Playstation:

1. I never get pulled over by the cops 'cause there aren't any.

2. No silly pedestrians on my sidewalks.

3. Always night time, and the roads are always artfully slicked down.

4. I can drive in an urban environment in Alaska.

5. I never have to wash my car.

6. Since auto makers won't let EA games show their cars with any kind of damage, my car never gets dented, scratched, or mangled.

7. Head On Collisions at a Hundred miles and hour don't hurt.

8. Said environment (see 4.) has beautiful architecture and lots of bright colorful neon/LED lighting.

9. Fountains.

10. I don't pay for insurance, gas, or maintenance.

On other Brianne Fronts, I've sold a Barbie Doll - Thanks Deni! and I'm looking around for something to package it in, and making last minute adjustments so it'll be perfect.

I'm doing well on Hormones.

I'm enjoying life in general; making new friends right and left, networking for the Palmer LBGTIA Community Center.

I prepared Homemade Fried Chicken, 'tater salad, coleslaw and ice tea with lemons last week because it was warm and sunny. I fed 6 to stuffing and we sat outside at the picnic table for the first time this year! I love my family of friends!

I've gotten behind in my movie watching lately, and I can hardly keep up with my political, historical, spiritual, and fun reading. Buddha to the Bilbe, Steven Waldman to "Elle" and "Cosmo".

I'm a busy girl!

Love ya'll

Brianne.

Hi Again!

2009-04-08T15:53:00.000-07:00

It's Baseball Season again Fans!

Uncle Sam likes base ball. Uncle Sam Likes baseball players. Uncle Sam REALLY likes baseball players! Big Baseball players with big b...er, getting carried away hung, I mean, Hunh?

It's Wednesday afternoon and I can think of nothing better (trust me, housekeeping is nothing better) than catching up my poor disused blog. I've been putting my energy into our Community Center, a lot of energy, but I'm also doing things that are good for just me.
I've been looking at ideas for finishing my Passion Tattoo. I've been diddling about with some green plastic army-men.
For those in the know about me; YES I regret purging my toy soldier collection, and the war-game books too.
While I love my barbies, and I want to give them a dollhouse some day, the truth is I will always be hooked on greenies. Can't explain it, but there it is. This girl just has a thing for green plastic army-men and all the other paraphernalia associated therewith.

Problem is, the cheap plastic armyguys I can find around here are OK for Chinese copies of Airfix and Tim-mees (snif, I miss the REAL Timmee guys) but for some reason there are never Tanks in the bags, or trucks or anything else really. Just guys. The weird mixes lately have been Airfix and Timmee clones with some Hing Fat moderns thrown in. blah. I miss hitting dollar stores and finding bags with helicopters and planes, tanks and trucks, cannons and an occasion rocket. They were more fun. Like a grab bag. Until you dumped the bag you never knew what was in it. Sometimes I would find WWI guys, or green germans. British dudes and Airfix clones. Lord knows what might fall out of one of those bags, and the mystery was much of the fun.

I don't know about anyone else, but I think Timmee had the Best howitzers, tanks, armored cars, trucks, jeeps, and men out there. They even did a wonderful C-130. Oh well, the chinese junk will never compare, but I can get it cheap, and it looks good enough all painted up.

So with the center and my recovery program, and all the email I work through every day I don't have much play time anymore. But I get to watch movies once in a while, and go out on the weekends.

I'm getting distracted by the aroma of my Vegan soup.... I can tell it's going to be a very good one.

well, nuff for now.

Bri.

I'm sickly today.

2009-04-02T17:07:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to make myself take a sick day. I don't want to miss going to the center and doing stuff like watching Pinocchio but...if I'm sick....
I've been up since 7 but aside from a buisness meeting about selling my crafts - and answering a few dozen emails I haven't accomplished a single thing. Well, some "program" reading and writing, but I always do that.
I'm a little irritated with Carl Gatto for actually supporting that jerk WAR.

a little excerpt from Bent Alaska
Gov. Sarah Palin named Anchorage lawyer Wayne Anthony Ross as her new attorney general on Thursday. We did not expect her to pick a gay-friendly AG, however his blatant prejudice expressed in a public letter to the state Bar shows that he is a poor choice for our top attorney:

"During a fight several years ago over gay rights, [Allison] Mendel helped organize Anchorage lawyers in support of an anti-discrimination ordinance. Ross wrote a nasty letter to the Bar Association newsletter, using words like "immoral", "perversion" and "degenerates." The language went way beyond reasonable disagreement, Mendel and others said." [Wayne Anthony Ross never a quiet force, ADN]

Other interesting facts about Wayne Anthony Ross:

* He was a founder of Alaska Right to Life and represented, without fee, anti-abortion protesters charged with trespassing. "I feel I have a good relationship with the good Lord (but) if I could overturn Roe vs. Wade, I figure I got my ticket," he told a reporter.
* He was the defense lawyer for former Rep. Vic Kohring, who is now serving time in prison.
* He opposes Native subsistence rights and was the lead lawyer in the case that got Alaska's subsistence law declared unconstitutional. When running for governor in 2002, he said he would hire a band of "junkyard dog" assistant AG's to challenge the federal law that requires a subsistence preference, or seek changes through Congress.
* He wrote for the old Anchorage Times, then for the Voice of the Times in the ADN, with titles like "KKK ' Art' Project Gets' A' For Courage" listed on the publications page of the Ross & Miner law offices.
* He represented Palin in her ethics case against state GOP chair Randy Ruedrich when both were on the Oil and Gas Commission, and became the co-chair of Palin's 2006 gubernatorial campaign. He was hoping for an appointment to the Department of Health and Social Services so he could "stop the department from interfering with families when they should not be interfering and get them interfering with families when they should be interfering" but he was passed over.
* He defended a Soldotna man who twice poured buckets of water from a passing pickup onto peaceful demonstrators in the rain and snow. His client was convicted of harassment and violating constitutional rights.
* He was the co-chair of Alaskans for Phil Gramm. (Gramm is one of the people responsible for the current economic crisis, and as co-chair of John McCain's presidential campaign he called us "a nation of whiners.")
* He is a former vice president of the National Rifle Association and was in line to become president, but was voted out of office.
* He ran for governor in 1998 and 2002. (Think he'll use the AG position as a stepping stone to the governor's mansion?)

The state House and Senate Judiciary committees will hold confirmation hearings on his appointment.

I see this as another way Palin's people have swindled the state government into supporting unethical actions, both hers and her supporters, and protect the systemic corruption that makes Alaska a laughingstock of the United States.
Not the guy to foster a social progressive atmosphere in the state. "Liberal"-hating and abusiveness continue to lead our state and country right into the arms of Fascism. What confounding ignorance the public displays!
Most recently I've seen bumper stickers portraying Obama as Stalin - that requires the response on one big question-mark! WTF???
Stalin was an ignorant bankrobber and thug dictator who used the unstable revolution and the already oppressive Bolshevik party to make the kind of legal system far right republicans are driving the US towards. One also based on fear of sabotage, er, "terrorism" by the way.
In contrast Obama, a scholar who worked his way through school actually knows the constitution and is willing to respect it's boundaries and keep the Union relativly safe from political explosion.
Doesn't anyone read history??
With the huge problems already affecting Alaska, like, say a Governor who is turning away money that would go directly to the poorest people in the state (why on earth does the poor part of the state's population like her? She's robbing them blind). That Federal money would give financial support to parents, and a peace of mind that is a cruel joke under today's tyrrany of Corporate Insurance.
Of course the state's First Hockey Mom has never had to worry about money. Being worth a personal fortune of millions, and having a wealthy husband to boot sure does make meeting ends hard. Yep, she can't keep gas in HER s.u.v. rent paid, groceries on the table, and oil and electric on with that kind of financial pressure.
Yes Sir, it's tough being rich. Lucky for us poor folk we have people like her interpreting Christian charity as taking away money from the poor to give to the rich.
You know, in some countries - like all of western Europe, there's a thing called law and social responsibility that provides guidelines for ethical treatment of others, and keeps people working, eating, and getting medical care under all shades of economic reality and for all backgrounds and walks of life.
I'm really thinking about Emigration. Last year Canada, Norway, Spain, and several other countries would have offered me political assylum on the basis of my diagnosis of G.I.D.
Men like WAR really make me consider it.

Hello? Anyone out there??

2009-03-31T23:25:00.001-07:00

I should find a counter for this blog. I wonder if anyone even reads it. HEY! If you're out there in the cold lonely night, would you mind leaving me a comment? I'm feeling tonight a bit like I'm in a pooky dark wood shouting quietly to see if anyone's out there.

I just have an eerie feeling tonight.

I have Spectabulous NEWS! I got my hormone scripts as of Monday Afternoon! I'm so totally doing the blue-footed Booby Dance. In fact, I'm doing the Soon-I-Get-To-Have-Boobies dance! LOL.

I've not done too much today because I'm really feeling sickly. Sore Throat, tired, headachy etc. I think I found a pet virus and brought it home.

I'm sending good meta to a few of my friends. D'nah, Deni, Lulu, Anja, 'cause they're not feeling well; and Leslie ('cause it's her birthday!) I hope you'll send them some too.

Sorry Leslie - I couldn't find a miniature pot-bellied elephant. :)

Well, it's time to go do homework so I can sleep.

Nightie-nite

Brianne!

Joys of Volunteering!

2009-03-26T23:27:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,

I haven't posted in days! I'm relaxing right now, doing the typing and sipping decaf green tea from my favorite tea cup. I've had it since November when I got it just to spoil myself. It's so pretty I've been afraid to use it! :)

My friend Connie, the one engaged to friend Sparky, bought me a wonderful gift this week! A new Barbie - the 50th Anniversary one!! I love her dearly. And I like Connie very much too! LOL.

Some day I'd like to be skinny enough to feel OK in a bathing suit. I'll probably sew it myself though.

I've been working out my long term goals, or dreams if you like. Where I want to go in life. What a difference from 4 years ago! I didn't believe in dreams then.

I know that I eventually must go home to Tacoma. I want to rent one of those small apartments on Broadway in the North End, get my bus pass, and be free.

I want to have a medical career, it'd be ideal if I could work at St. Jo's in Tacoma. I dream of taking long walks in Wright Park, going to Ethnic Fest, and the Daffodil Parade. Enjoying the zoo at Point Defiance, and feeding Seagulls at the pier.

I want to do a Friday or Saturday night out in Seattle, do Capitol Hill and the U district again. Volunteer with the LBGT Community, maybe get into counseling.

I want to find a guy who accepts me the way I am, gives me space to be me, and is trustworthy in a relationship. I'd like to do a bit of frivolous dating, then settle down into a comfortable monogamous thing, ideally Get Married. I want to have a church wedding someday. I think I'll wear white (wouldn't it be nice? after surgery I'll be a virgin again!!) Afterwards a nice honeymoon in San Francisco, stay at one of those bed and breakfasts with the Hot tubs you can hear the rain on. And at night get all dolled up and visit the art museums and do the opera, or see a play.

Then I'd want a one bedroom or two bedroom place at most, but we HAVE to stay in the North End. I'm not very flexible on that. I want my claw foot tub in one of those victorian/edwardian apartments there.

I miss the ducks in the gentle rain, and the early bulbs, the ever-present green, and even the slightly sour mildewy smell my laundry picked up from the damp.

I want my life to have candles, and flower petals, and colorful skirts that whirl. And when I am old I shall wear red. Red dresses, red patterned skirts, red kerchiefs, red shoes, and red hats!!

I want to have fine China in a cupboard, and hang some paintings of my family, both biological and emotional family. The latter is much bigger, I am lucky to have so many caring friends around me!

It's weird; I do want a relationship, but I'm finally getting comfortable with being by myself. Maybe I'm growing up?

As long as I'm always a wondering and loving child in my heart I'm OK with that.

-Brianne!

Just a Post script.

2009-03-21T21:43:00.001-07:00

In the post below you'll see that in my pic I've blurred out some detail in my decolletage, that's because I have some ingrown hairs and razor burn. I will be so very happy when Electrolysis is over.

Just catching up!

2009-03-21T21:14:00.000-07:00

Hi!

It's been too long since I've done a nice update. Things have been going incredibly well in my world. I tell you, it's hard and rewarding work to be Bri! LOL.

I've got some recent photos to share that might catch us up a little.
I've been working hard to get the LBGTA Community Center up and running. We open the doors on Monday. Last night I went to party a little at Mad Myrna's, but more importantly, to ask the community to give up a little $$ to buy some internet at the Community Center Office. We got what we needed! And more!
On the way home last night...er, this morning...4:30 actually.. Anyway, Chris and I pulled over to see the Aurora! It was fabulous, waving like an enormous green flag overhead.

First below is me sharing me, with you! I like to share my pics since it gives my reader/fans snapshots of how my transition is coming!

Well, In order you see Me, transition is coming along. Goblin, And several of my friends volunteering to bring the Center together; Colleen (isn't she pretty?), in the next pic is LtoR; Kathy, Chris up front, Sparky in back, Matthew in white, and the lovely Raven on the Right. In the last image, well, that's just a really cool art pic from somewhere in Germany. I just like that one and wanted to share it.

So I've let up on my strict Vegan diet somewhat, economics means I'm getting free food where I find it, all too often meatstuffs, and that's not nice on my tummy but it's nicer than empty is.

My headaches are back. I had a real migraine two days ago. I think somethings going on up there, but when I called Friday the office said Dr. Bernard hadn't seen the films yet.

I'm a little behind in my homework today and my house is a real mess, but that's OK, I have had a really productive day, and it isn't over yet!

I'm hoping to do some more jewelry this week, and to finish the lipstick dresses, but who knows what the next week will bring? Most Days I'll spend my Evenings at the Center since we open the doors on Monday!!

In speaking of Monday..... I HAVE MY HORMONE VISIT, cross your fingers people. My paperwork and letters are all in order. My health is good and I'm stable. All I need now is a script and I'm on my way!

Looking over the blood tests, I found it interesting to note that my natural Testosterone level is so low, it's only a hair above the minimum on the scale. My natural estrogen is about mid range though. Doesn't mean too much, but it's just interesting.

I've got a newsletter to get out tonight, and some reading and studying to do before bed, so I should go now. I hope you are sliding down your rainbows, riding your carpets, singing in the sun, or whatever it is you do. Check out the Matsu LBGT Community Center Blog too! http://matsulgbt.blogspot.com/

I'm gone now,

~Brianne!

The Net is in the House!

2009-03-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

Hi 'gain!
Look at this!

This!

This Too!

Would you believe these all three are me? Of course not! I don't even believe all these are me~! Well, maybe the gremlin on the bottom might not really be me....nope, it's me.
Well, at least my mom's pretty! :)
You have to go see the matsu community center blog. We are growing so fast!
In other news; brain CAT went fine I still don't know whence the headaches again, but apparantly the CATscan doesn't show anything new.
I'm writing a novel worth of daily journals. Maybe some day I'll actually write a book. maybe. or not. I do a few hours of paperwork and homework daily, and I seem to be on the phone all the time!
I ran 1000 minutes over last month, so I'm sorta using my unlimited txt function more. hmmmmn.
GCI was here Thursday and pleasantly connected a nice shiny new modem for me.......mmmmmmm....SHINY.......
so now Daybreak has internet again!! Can you say open network??
My week's been fairly abstemious, so I think I'm doing ok there.
I missed my sewing all day tuesday. I think I'll catch up Saturday if I don't go to the leprechaun day transparty.
Lastly, March 19, Burchell High is having a FASHION SHOW! it's $5 and I'm excited to go! They have Doorprizes!
Oh, and right now lets all pray for GM since the 'o9 camaro is facing a grim future. see here

Well, at least the models and toys made it to the shelves. It will be very sad for the world if some of the best automotive sculpting of all time doesn't make it into the dealerships. (there goes my reason to get off disability and back in the workforce....)

'nuff for now?

bye,

~Brianne!

Too many things!

2009-03-07T14:54:00.001-08:00

I only have time for a quicky today.
An unexpected 700 dollar phone bill has set me back. I'm going to argue some errors in it on Monday. We'll see.
I have all my doc's together, and an appointment in 3 weeks to get my HRT started! It seems like an enormous wait, but it is what it is.
Things are really booming in the lbgt community, and I'm excited to get the center open!
Work for the craft fair is coming along, and other areas of my life are doing fine.
I'm pretty happy,
and I also want to say Hey to Wulfbear and Co. for the wonderful care package I got this week :)!
Bri

Another Update!

2009-02-21T16:04:00.000-08:00

Hi Again Folks!

Still busier than a fireman with a squirt gun fulla gasoline. In just the last week we achieved an office space for the MatSu LBGT Community Center! I had a court hearing on my gender transition yesterday, my case is still open and I have another hearing in June or July. I've located some of the library for the community center.
An awsome point of news is that I'm only a hair away from my Hormones! I've located a clinic in Anchorage that prescribes for TG folk, and all I have to do is present a letter from my Therapist and a recent baseline bloodworkup and I get my appointment! Yay!
I've already gotten the blood workup, results should be in on Monday. The letter I hope to have in my hot little hand next week!

I began regular electralysis this week which is megaciting! The ethstatician is wonderful to work with, top notch! I'm so happy! I can't wait until it's all gone, sigh.

The little matter with the contractors and my apartment from Last Friday has been settled. I came home to find an unflushed toilet with what I'm sure was a caughed up lugi on the seat, a kitty litter scoop in my make-up, contaminating all my eyeshadows, blush, combs and brushes and so on. Pooper plunger on my washcloths, soap, scrubbrushes in the shower floor. left over bits of garbage scraped off the floor in my shower. My clean dishes had been stacked on my dirty ones, and something mixed in my sink that was white and messy, and left for me to clean up. Also, huge muddy footprints all over the brand new laminate floor... YUCK!
Anyway you get the idea. I got a call last night that made me happy. VRS gave me an apology, and will be replacing my makeup and shower supplies. I'm good with that!
I've been meeting new people all over the area; esp. Anchorage and it's been wonderful fun! I love my new friends! I love my old ones too!
The TG support group has put me in touch with super resources.
I've also been refreshing my spiritual center with some study of the Pali Suttas. :) Practise of lovingkindness is a wonderful way to soothe your soul and find some nice serenity with life!
The Newsletter I do for another organization is coming together, sort of, I need content from those who know what I'm typing about!
I'll be leading services next week at the Church of the Covenant on 314 S. Bailey Street in Palmer. If you want to attend, come down at 11. If you make it at 10 you can have coffee and join the intellectual round table discussion! Love to see you there!
I'm working on a new Barbie outfit, hopefully I can put some time into it on Tuesday.
Within a week I hope to be posting times that the lbgta community center will be womanned by myself, and if you or anyone you know would like to help by volunteering some time it would be super-cool, plus, you get to hang out with ME!. :)

Lot's of busy!

2009-02-14T20:14:00.000-08:00

OK, (going down my list);
A. Brain Surgery Successful! I don't know how much they took out but I still feel smart so Yay! Seriously, my brain surgery went very very well. I've recovered, I am releived of the constant headache and migraines and it really is wonderful. I was amazed that brain surgery only required an overnight stay, then boom! Home again.

B. I was by happy accident at the first Transgender Support Group meeting last week in Anchorage. It was well attended, and quite professional as well as entertaining. I see great things coming out of this, and would refer any interested people to website, but since I don't know if that's appropriate in this venue, I'll refrain.

C. I like Dancing! I had a wonderful time at Mad Myrna's Friday - Alaska's Only Gay Nightclub, which is odd, because there were more straight people there than gay people.

D. Still trying to get people here in the valley involved in our own little LBGT support center.

E. I'm running out of net time. Gotta go!

F. Oh, yeah, I shut down my internet and home phone - poof! bye bye! due to "bujetary reasons"

Happy Valentines Day, and also today is V-day, for victory over child and woman abuse, but I think it should just be "domestic violence" period.

Just a quick one

2009-02-02T10:47:00.000-08:00

Hi! Christmas time came and went, and though I didn't get to see my Niece and Nephew in person, I did get some pics. to share!

I am Bat Knight!

2009-01-10T08:38:00.000-08:00

The Black Knight; Whether you call him Ivanhoe, Sir Percy of Skandia, Or, from the net itself - source of all bad and limited information - The Black Knight is the name of a variety of characters, as comes with naming anyone a knight of a common color. First and foremost he is mentioned as a knight who tied his wife to a tree after hearing she had exchanged rings with Perceval. Perceval defeated the Black Knight and explained that it was an innocent exchange.

He is also the son of Tom a'Lincoln and Anglitora, grandson of King Arthur. He killed his mother after hearing from his father's ghost that she had killed him. He later joined the Faerie Knight, his half-brother, in adventures.

A Black Knight is also mentioned as being killed by Gareth when he was traveling to rescue Lyonesse.

Another Black Knight named Orgoglio (Pride) appeared in The Faerie Queene by Edmund Spenser, whom Prince Arthur kills after first severing his arms and legs. This Black Knight was undoubtedly the source for the character of the same name in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

I would add Darth Vader to the list as well.

By whichever incarnation he is an icon of power, of the darker side of chivalry. And Mego was responsible for the coolest plastic version of them all, one I have been lucky enough to score via the ever awesome Ebay!

In Other News, Ann Coulter is annoying me again. Just look at any newsfeed and you'll see why. As a friend's enemy once said "Stupid People Shouldn't Breath". Still, insults aside, this woman has a knack for generating publicity for the Dark Side equal only to Sarah Palin. That might be a good thing, after all, they ARE on the other side of the political fence. How will they look in 20 years I ask myself.
And I think the answer will be.... Dumb.

I don't have much time this morning for a lengthy post, as I'm headed into Anchorage in about 10 minutes, but since the batteries of my Nikon were charged up finally, I had to pull my new toy out and get a pic.

As a final note, I'd like to thank Mattel for giving me the perfect victim, I'm only sorry that our villanous knight broke his shiny sword chopping off her rather deformed head. I'm serious! Look at a barbie's skull sometime!

Gotta go,
Ciao!

Spock, Sudsy and Singing!

2009-01-02T00:53:00.001-08:00

So, It's 2009!
I've had a fine Christmas, and New Year's would have been fun except the flu kinda takes the fun part and only leaves, well; the unhappy guy in a cold syrup commercial. So yes, I've been sick for a week. Tonight finds me exhausted and yet not at all sleepy since I've been sleeping around the clock lately.
So, I've decided to regale you with a few Christmas Morning pics I made. I'd love to put some great bon-mots about a recent political scandal but I've been sick and not paying attention. Other than wiping my nose, coughing, watching movies, sleeping around the clock via modern medications, coloring, and playing with dolls I can't say I've been busy.
I don't even know what's new and keen in the science world. I've been reading a little medieval history; the Geis' book "Cathedral, Forge, and Waterwheel" is fascinating. and I'm following it up with another old history of medieval warfare survey. Ok, I guess but nothing new. I think I may have read it before, it all blends together sometimes.
In the Looking Ahead Department I have a Mego Repro "World's Greatest Super Knights; the Black Knight" in the post somewhere, and my Mego Repro Sulu doll pre-order should be coming soon, and with it will come an awesome bonus - The Gorn! yay!
Future art projects? I want to do a little Enterprise Bridge display based loosely on the Mego brige carry case and a paper model I've found.
And, maybe the Black Knight needs a small Tower? hmmmmn. Brianne building a toy castle, that's Not At All like her....nnnnooooooo.....nope. Not one bit.

smell.

2008-12-13T18:48:00.000-08:00

Hanae Mori's Butterfly.
If God wore perfume, he'd switch to this.

Short end of week post.

2008-12-05T11:01:00.000-08:00

I can't spend very long on this, my head is being crushed in a vice. Well, not literally just that my migraine is coming to visit today, and announcing his coming with a nice painful early-warning headache. The good about that is that I had the warning to take my imitrex and call in sick for my appointment today. I hope this pain thing gets over quick. The light is hurting already. So I need to speed up. I have some photos of my finished Barbie Outfits. The sewing isn't perfect yet, or really even very good, but you can see a whole lot of improvements in the shirt and pants from the dress...
OK, bye for now.

Fashionista!!

2008-11-28T08:32:00.000-08:00

Hi Hi Gentle Readers!
It's been a fun and exciting Turkey Day! I can't remember ever having one I enjoyed this much. I went to a meeting early this morning, did the grocery store and got dropped off here in time to cook my part of the Daybreak Pot Luck Thanksgiving and Harvest Festifal. I made swiss and mushroom Enchiladas. Only I didn't buy the swiss, so they were really just velveeta and mushroom Enchiladas, I don't think anyone cared, since the pan was all eaten up. I did get one comment that they were too salty, but that was certainly the cheap velveeta crap since I didn't salt the stuff at all. I also made honey lemon iced tea. And my favorite relish or sauce made of cilantro, limes, parsley and other spicy yummy things. It will be supper with beans and torts later.
I skipped the Swiss because there was a nice makeup kit for sale at the same price, and fashion won out over flavor. I had time after my cheese enchiladas were in to shower and put on my Gayla Bently outfit. My first ever designer clothes! They are so special to me, that I decided I just had to put on the sparkle and try my hand at Glam. since I did my makeup myself, with only this awesome site to guide me I'm pleased!
I also finished my first bit of complicated sewing last night. This top is still not perfect, but I'm getting better. My cutting is better, and my sewing technique is better. I'm actually learning to sew! I'm achieving a life long goal and it feels so very good. I can't wait for tomorrow, I want to do more!
This Barbie is probably studying Marine Biology, and works as a aquaria keeper's assistant to get through school. In addition She's Bi, and would like a date who isn't serious, but willing to flirt, be fun do movies and dinners, but not too committed. Her school is first, It's important since she's obsessed with the biology of sea squirts and plans to make it her doctor's thesis.
I'm taking submissions now for good names, hair style suggestions, and "pants or skirt?" votes.

I still haven't basted and washed pink froggie yet. Percy, the prayer plant, as you can tell from the pic, is still struggling hard to live. The imp chewed up her leaves to the soil level a couple of times, and knocked the whole pot over once or twice. In addition my apartment swings wildly in temperature depending on how I open or close the windows. Windows closed (which freaks me out anyway) and the top of the fridge gets way too hot, but if I open the front and back I get a freezy draft of outside air, esp if someone leaves the security door open out there. At least he gets water daily, and once in a while I wash his leaves to keep down that white mold. I am not a farmer. That's for sure. Gardens and plants are gorgeous and I love them, but I'm not a gardening kind of woman. I don't like dirt.

I ate an abstinent and almost turkey free dinner tonight. Cheesy mushroom enchilada, Veggie stuffing, and two ladles of turkey gravy. I guess the poor thing was murdered for his flavor, so I might as well honor the sacrifice in a ceremonial way. Oh, ok, I just like Gravy, I admit it. And some green bean casserole. There were at least 20 other dishes I could have tried, but after my big plate I didn't want any more. I should have wrapped another plate for tonight since I haven't had supper yet and I'm hungry, but I didn't.

Tomorrow is Black Friday. If I had $20 or so, and a car, I'd go to Dressed by Celeste in Palmer. She's my Fashion Consultant in the glamorous world of Haute Couture. She's having a Black Friday sale and breakfast, with things marked off up to 75%. It'd be nice to get a deal on a scarf or some new tops for my Onesoles.

I can't wait until the day I weigh in at 157 lbs. I'm going to rob a bank and hit the boutiques of San Francisco Baby! Well, probably not. Chances are I'll still be Nutcase Disability, but I can dream...
Meanwhile, I have my Barbies. And I'm learning to sew; some day I'll make my own fashions for her to compliment my custom silver and gold jewelry. How cool, hunh?
so I have to show you this site now; It's got some BEAUTIFUL outfits for Barbie, and even some Barbies who present as competent, intelligent, and look like they actually have both Frontal and Dorsal lobes in their skull case to go with the Super Extra Unobtainium World Bank Credit Card (By Marx). If you got that, you're as big a toy nut as I am, which makes you a rare and valuable person who will get some meta from my extra Lovingkindness Meditation tonight! Anyhow poke around this site, and if you have a spare 20 bucks you can always be my friend and buy me a membership in the Barbie Fan Club... :p
For my old friends, Well I admit I was really pissed at Mattel over the whole Bodyshop Ruby fiasco. I'm still sore. But I have a secret plan to undermine The Man from the inside. "Solidarity Sista's!" BBW Barbie will come to pass, just keep the faith girls.
I'm going to go now. I'm hungry, I chose to stay up too late as it is, and my meds aren't on board yet. I leave you to a good night, and my hope that Christmas, Yule, Solstice, Midwinter, Saturnalia, and the Feast of Fools will be the best you've ever had this year!!

Transgender Day of Rememberance.

2008-11-21T11:18:00.000-08:00

I'm going to open my post today on an unhappy, but also hope filled note. Thursday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance. On this day we remember those like Rita Hester, who have been brutally murdered for no reason except that they wished to live as normal women, and the prejudice and unthinking hate of men ended those dreams. That violence happens to women, trans women, children or men is still unconscionable, but there is hope for a better future if we as adults educate, nurture, love, and teach our children to pursue the true ideals of understanding of self, love of neighbor, care of collective community, and betterment of the human race. It is in your hands to make a small difference. And that makes me hopeful.

On to more fun subjects. I love a wonderful lesbian, and now we are in a relationship!! Yay! So for her, I want to post some recent pic's taken on the day I got pulled over by a really cute and pleasant Police Officer for going a bit over the speed limit on the Glen Highway. Well 80 in a 55, but who's counting, maybe he didn't see that number, I had just started slowing down. Important part is that he was kind enough to let me off with a warning! I'm driving like a grandma snail now. Except when my foot starts having another conversation with gravity...

Some pictues for today, You get to see me, and that's me walking down the Palmer-Wassila to pick up a stuffed froggie toy that someone had lost on the road. I'd passed by him 3 or 4 times, and she called out to me to save her each time, so I did.
She is really cute, if a bit worn. I'm going to wash her, sew up her one split seam, and let her live here if her original owner doesn't see my ad in the frontiersman.
Next you see barbie, and the very first garment I've ever sewn. Barbie clothes are fun to sew, and I have lots of scrap material! This burgundy comes from some summer capri's that had torn out seams.

Well, I could go on, about the progress of Transition and all that, but it will make a good post for later.

-Brianne Elizabeth

I'm legally me!

2008-11-10T22:02:00.000-08:00

It's Super Official now! My name change has been granted! Brianne Elizabeth, I will never have to sign my old boy name again!~
I remembered to bring my camera grocery shopping this week, so here's what Alaska looks like from the store parking lot.
I know, it sucks. But, eventually I'll have enough money some one day, to go to the real world. For now though. 8 degrees of frost and big rocks.
We got some catching up to do. This week gone has been full of excitement. Let's review; I tried to start my car with the seatbelt buckle. I lost my shirt in my last jewelry sale, I ran over a concrete curb. I cried as we finally elected a leader for president. I never let them see me sweat in the courtroom. Also deacon board meetings, sick friends, cat poo in my fabric piles, and sewing lessons gone awry.
On to things that are pretty neat; I found a vid of my favorite recent song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PWfB4lurT4
Also there's the Ocean census of marine life Project; http://oceanleadership.org/ which I think you'll find pretty amazing!

I'm learning to sew. It's winter, and I have a box of naked barbies from the thrift store. Sew, I have to give them some new threads. Unfortunately, I'm not a seamstress, yet. And my poor pencil skirt has taken 5 hours and still looks like something Goblin tried to cover up in her litter box.
With that image, I leave you for now.
-Brianne

Who will win?

2008-11-02T22:41:00.000-08:00

Well now, it's only two days until................Tuesday! (thought it was gonna be something else hunh?)
I am now going to ignore the election, and talk about something really neat, ME!
I was excavating the wreck that used to be my closet (all put to rights now), and I discovered this old gem of a photo. that sad creature in the fuzzy newspaper pic is me, or was me rather. Poor child, look how sad he is. *snif*
Here's some pre transition images from my DL's, and you can see why I think I need a new ID.

Art Delivery from humid, musty Georgia!

2008-10-09T15:20:00.000-07:00

Hi. Allow me to bore you with a piece of Juvenalia. I did it back in High School - circa 1988-9. Is it art? dunno. But it's one of many pieces of old scribbling that I got to dig through yesterday. Waltzing down Oh-Gee-I-Remember-Doing-That Lane. It came out of storage in distant Georgia, and it and it's fellows haven't really prospered through age and humidity. Musty is only a beginning, let me tell you. But, at least I'm inside, cause;

It's Freakin' Cold Out There!~

Alright, I've experienced 50 below plus windchill up north in the '80's, but Hey, Global warming is melting the ice caps, so I don't expect it to feel like my hands will shatter when I bump them. It's cold, and windy, and also cold.

Now, awsome news follows; I have been free of All carbonated beverages for a big TEN MONTHS TODAY!! AND I SOMETIMES USE DOUBLE EXCLAMATION POINTS!! Sorry, 'bout that. It's neat.

Those who have been my friends for years may have trouble believing that no carbonated water, soda, or even sparkly juice has touched these lips that long. You might wonder If the real me was abducted and replaced. You might think that I've had a brain transplant, or...or....um. No! Yes! It's really possible to live drinking only decaf herbal tea, a little coffee, and lots of water!

I'm even drinking a tall glass of ice water....RIGHT NOW!

My Dividend got here yesterday! It's all budgeted out, but since my bills are all caught up, thank you Elizabeth!, I have the fun of shopping! My Christmas is going to be so FUN! I'm doing a couple of nice things for myself and my pals!

I say my Dad yesterday, he dropped off my art portfolios that have been in storage for the past few years. It's a trip down memory lane that had me wispy, laughing, and crying!

It's been a fine day, new hair do, fun with friends, and a warm apartment. Life is definitely good.

Bri

I Voted Today!

2008-10-07T23:19:00.000-07:00

Elections and propositions. Do we use public money to work on the roads? What about spending money on maintaining and improving the school buildings in the district? These and other tough questions were decided today in district 13! And I was there!

Today is the official First Snow here in Palmer. I celebrated by ignoring it and cleaning the toilet. Yes, doing house work both keeps you warm, and gives you something better to think about than the cold. wet. gray. dying. ugly world of nature here in the "beautiful" Mat-Su valley.

I spent some phone time. Chatted a little with My Ex-wife. There is a wonderful woman with much talent and much heart. May Heaven pave her way with goodness. I also had a chance to recconect with an old and dear friend. I'll be thinking on her daily (um, I did that anyway before the call), but it was so pleasant to hear her voice, even though it's colored now by some atrocious foreign accent. They speak oddly down in the LA Swamps. Maybe the Trappy's Original Aligator and Crawfish Sweet Potato Cobbler does something funny to your tongue.

I broke out of the mold and did something wild that I, being largely a vegetarian, almost NEVER do - I went to the drive-thru of Beggar Queen. I call it that, because a trip through the drive -thru will indeed leave you a beggar. I bought and ate a hamburger sandwich that set me back 4 dollars. It was, of course, the standard Burger King fare; ground up dead cow, limp lettuce, a flavorless tomato slice, and smothered in something unidentifiably sweet. I would have let the Ravens finish it, but I like ravens. The fries were good though. It's hard to screw up a french fry. Of course it's possible. I had some at McSwiney's once that were boiled in the same oil they did the fishy sammich in. Fish and chips is fine, but only fast food would combine it into one overpriced rubbery sameness.

It wasn't my bottom of the menu choice that rang the cash register though. It was seeing the same burger plus a strip of bacon costing a whopping (yeah, I know, puns) 8 bucks and change. nearly 9 bucks for some dead cows and a quarter of a potato. Oh, and your choice of watered down beverage. What Value!

Still, criticism aside, I did get some food in the tank for the drive I took tonight. Far down the Knick Goose Bay road, and farther down some dumpy little road called caramel? No moon tonight, and no lights on the road except the pickup truck lights mounted right at head level, and tuned to the exact frequency as a headache. Once off KGB and down Caramel It was like a whole different world. Low lying fog making a surreal river, sleet falling like meteors past the headlights. No visibility to speak of, The roads had no edges, the few signs I could see were illegible through the windshield. It was a blast! I had so much fun. When I found the addy I was seeking it, the sky cleared, and stars shone down crystal clear. Luckily it fogged up again quite quickly and a good short snow dump on my way through Wasilla cheered me up. The driving was great! You could really feel the road, the swing of the suspension, give in the brakes, Transmission sliding through gears, tac smooth and easy at 2.5. I felt like I could drive to the end of the world in that one night.

Well. I was kinda sad to pull up in my driveway. A nice cup of Good Earth later, some work on our current puzzle and light chat with the late night crew, and home to finish my home work and crash. I guess every day I live well, I am well.

Look Ma! I'm on T.V.!

2008-10-05T15:13:00.000-07:00

Well, not really. I wouldn't count youtube as TV. But anyhow here's my 5 minutes of electron smashing fame. Anyway, I've been doing some light scratching around the net. I decided Sunday Night is now my official Pick On Sarah Night, from now until our doom is sealed (Nov elections). I need to ask you folks, is the woman in the picture who you think will make your country safe for democracy??

I stumbled on this today. I think I'll share it. A whole website of Sarah goodness.

For my Paleo Friends out there, I think you will find this "a hoot". It's a sample from the website "Things Sarah Palin Can Name".

Dinosaurs Jesus Rode
October 2nd, 2008
Triceratops
Velociraptor Velocirapture
Jehovasaurus Rex
Prolifeatops
Kangaroo
Utahraptor
Dromiceomimus

Anyway. Love to the world, even the goofy ones.

-Bri

Going Green

2008-09-30T11:19:00.000-07:00

Hi all. Did you know that some galaxies are green? Does the Hulk live there? Little Green Men? I doubt I'll ever know. But the poor ailing Hubble took this photo, and yes, it's natural visible light. It really is green.

It's 10 pm now. I'm looking over my day, and it was pretty good. I spent many hours of it listening to the radio and doing some carving. Sculpted a small fairy in plaster of paris. I'll make a mold of it to cast in silver. Or at least in pewter for now. I can add it to the green man pendant I finished a few days ago, and the venus figurine from yesterday. It's nice to be doing jewelry again. I feel competent, sure of myself. I know how to do this well, and I get a real sense of pleasure when someone appreciates my work. And when I appreciate it.

I was going to do my nails today, but I got side tracked. The most awful thing of my day, I was working away and completely forgot it was Tuesday. I have a Tuesday meeting at 7, and was tasked to bring some A/V materials. Ooops.

I sometimes hate living with a swiss cheese memory. I'm glad I'm now off of lithium and all those other psychotropics. Now all I need is my Lamictal and my sleeping meds. That's so much easier on me, and I've been stable for a very long time now. Yay!

Still no Dividend check, so no jewelry supplies, and my show's on the 11th. I don't think it's going to be easy to be ready. I don't even have RTV to make molds. I'm impatient.

I really spent some time on meditation today, and it felt wonderful to be so relaxed. I was almost pain free for a while. I'm going to do that again in a few minutes, before I go to bed. Food wasn't exciting. End of the week of the end of the month, so I had plain oats and beans. Was lucky though in that a good friend of mine had to leave town, so I got a couple of bags of very fresh produce. Sugar snap peas, Yum!

Went to C&D this morning, which was great since Darlene and Howard were there. I love them so much. When I grow up, I want to be just like Darlene, but with Howard's crusading zeal. Mark and Leslie were there, so Leslie and I poured over the Fire Mountain Catalog. Every page is stunning. Pearls, Quartz, Rhododendrite, and other semi-precious, but best of all in this season's are the cloisonné pieces. They're so pretty they don't even need settings.

Haven't heard from Mom and Dad lately. Last I heard they were both battling pneumonia. I feel left out of the loop. Even when I do call I have to milk Mom for information. She tells me nothing until it's a crisis, and sometimes even crisis go by without my knowing. Robert hasn't talked to me since I came out to the fam on Father's Day. I thought it was an appropriate time to let my Family get to know me, after all I'm only 36. But my brother says "I'm throwing it in his face", and hasn't said peep to me since.

It's sad, but it doesn't make me feel horrible anymore. I'm content to be myself, and I'm finally starting to get to know who that is. It takes most of my time anyway. As soon as the hygienic preliminaries are disposed of, and my food for the day started; oatmeal in the rice cooker, beans in the crock pot, coffee in the ....coffee pot? Not an elegant sentence hunh? Anyhow, thats when I dig into my work. I try to put down my feelings about my night, log my blood sugar, pain, and sleep amounts. Assess my feelings about the day, and make my to do lists. I then can move on to readings. I read passages from three program related inspirational books, another from the Dali Lama, and sometimes a bit of something else. Buddha, Bible, something like that. Then there are the assignments. Two or three of my weekly groups will have hand out packets, and I read them. Often there are exercises, which I do. Then I move ahead in my copy of the "Inner Child workbook", which is a set of exercises that help repair problems with identity basically. I apparently have some Borderline and Mercurial personality traits that can really mash up and vague out your sense of who you are. It comes from suppressing your own natural identity to present what others outside want to see. In a nutshell, You put on masks because you're scared something bad will happen if you act like yourself.

After that fun, I have another workbook I do, and whatever exercises that calls for. Usually I have an appointment right after that. Lunch is strictly at 12. Often beans, with vinegar, salt, and whatever spices/veggies/herbs I have laying around. Pintos most often since they are cheap. Today though I had two donuts. Human weakness. Donuts are stronger than I am, and my little food obsession thing wins out if I let my guard down for even a second. Apologize to my body and move on with living.

After Lunch is mostly my time. I've been using it to do my jewelry. I'll try and remember to post pictures of my recent work here shortly. Supper at 6. Unwind time except for a few days a week when I have evening obligations. I like to do some things on the 'puter. Like my blog for instance. Researching Doctors for my eventual goal of SRS. I'll only get to do it once, I want the best chances of a successful outcome. It's so far down the road, and only really possible after I lose weight, do HRT, and all kinds of other more important things, that I don't spend a lot of time on it. Just enough to get my bearings.

Mostly I look at other people's blogs, at science things - Hubble site most recently. And I check out the headlines on the news. But not too often. The news that's reported is so often sad, brutal, or crisis oriented, and involves people and situations I have no control or influence over. I say my prayers for the people, then turn to more immediate things. I'm glad most people aren't doing things as horrible as the ones that are broadcast in the news. It could make a girl paranoid.

The internet, or reading, or a movie, until time to do my evening journal and make notes for the next day.

Well, I'm up too late as it is, so G'nite all,

A very unexciting but contented Sunday.

2008-09-28T22:49:00.000-07:00

Sunday night is here. It's been a lovely day. Wish I had pictures of the mountains and trees. I'm not usually impressed with big rocks and big plants, big woodies....oh, never mind.

But today was one of those magic light days. The whole world seemed to glow golden and bronze. I had to pick up a friend down in Anchor-town, so I made a trip of it with a girlfrin and we went Shopping! Three girls in Jo-Anne's and Michaels. All three of us artists. All three of us with a Show on the 11th. Luckily I only had a small pocketful of cash. I'd have been in Impulse City instead of Anchorage. I bought some beads for my art, and I picked up a nice addition to my Christmas Village. Most of my stuff is just cheapies picked up here and there, but this one is a Lemax. It should have been 40 bucks, BUT because a tiny piece had come unglued, I got it for 10. I can live with that. I think having a degree in Industrial Design will equip me to super glue back on a little plant.

Anyhow, it's called "Meyer's Bakery" and it lights up. Most of my others don't. It's a bit bigger too. But I think it will be a fab centerpiece of the village, and will look oh so Cheery with my christmas train running by it under my tree.

Church was lovely.

3 good things about today; I got to drive Lulubelle a bit over the speed limit in the beautiful Sunshine. I got girly time with Leslie and my new friend Carol. I picked out some pearls and glass, and a little bit of gorgeous fabric. I'll be doing my Barbie a dress pretty soon here. Lastly the grocer in Produce at my grocery store flirted with me today! He was so cute, and very helpful. I got quite a bit of service, and I know where I'll buy my next batch of jalapenos....

3 Negative Things. I still have hair on my chest, it's not pretty. I have 5 o'clock shadow, and I don't like that either. I chose not to get quarters and do my laundry so I could spend some time in Susan's Place. Chat rooms CAN be fun. Goblin pointed out to me her distress, but didn't tell me what the issue of her disappointment was. Naughty Kitty...

3 Thankfuls; I'm really glad I have nice and healthy friends. I'm thankful for a church of caring and understanding people who want to do good in the world, and work for social justice. I'm thankful for my legs, 'cause they keep my buns from bouncing on the floor, and my arms, which let me reach out and touch things. I'm thankful for my eyes, without them I couldn't enjoy the world's gorgeous light. I'm very, very thankful for medical science. Chemical research has allowed me to pursue a normal life. I'm thankful for smiling people, and for family past and present.

Well, I've taken my blood sugar (111 mg/dl). Not bad. I've drank my water and downed my pills. All of them, which makes a 4th meal right there. I have my Trazidone and my Lunesta on board so I'll be nodding off here very soon. Which is perfect since bedie-bye time is 10:30.

And I'll leave you with this obscure quote, "The Dogs Bark, but the Caravan Moves On"

Zero Gravity Kung Pow!

2008-09-27T22:56:00.000-07:00

Well, It's late, so I'll be quick. China has made a spacewalk. Well, Zhai Zhigang's the one who put on the suit and got out of the space craft, but I'm niggling here. I think it's quite a feat. Will we beat the Chinese back to the Moon? I'm doubting it right now. Um, severely doubting it.

But doesn't he look happy waving his Red Flag?

I'm glad I'm not up there. All those wires and cables make me nervous. I'm doing a Calvin and Hobbes in my mind just looking at how flimsy that machine seems. It's like the back of my computer desk. Maybe he's trying to find the firewire port and the flag is just to mark the spot until he can get his video camera hooked up?

Well, Bedtime now.

Night all.

Simple boring update.

2008-09-26T10:46:00.001-07:00

It's Friday!

That's about the most exciting thing I can say about this morning. I have my regular Fri appointment at 11:00. Begun to learn about ARTCLAY. It's similar to an air drying polymer clay, except when burned off at about 1800 degrees fuses into 99.9% fine silver. How Cool! It's also available in Gold. Not exactly cheap stuff, but I don't need a full jewelry shop to use it. Tiff and Leann recently bought a kiln and starter kit, and all I've done is reading so far. Too expensive to just pull out and play with.

So, I'm just going to sculpt some masters out of PoP (plaster of Paris). I'd like to do some findings and pieces for my necklaces and ear-rings. I love doing jewelry! I'm wearing my own work pretty much all the time now.

I'm starting to wonder if anyone actually reads this stuff...

But I guess I'll keep writing, just for me, and if you find anything interesting I'll consider that a bonus.

Everyone I know is glued to TVs and the Net to worry themselves crazy about the "Financial Crisis" and the looming Doom, the big "ressession" coming at us, and the general Bush'aster. I don't care too much. I'm more excited about the Information packet I received from Dr. Pierre Brassard in Montreal. I'm narrowing down SRS surgeons, and with my Primary Care P.A. Rick Blake, hammering out a two year plan.

Right now Dr. Brassard is the clear front runner. Marci Bowers looked good at first, but a few girls I trust are really waving me away from her. Thailand is cheap, but prone to making a salad of the pink parts from time to time, and I don't want to play russian roulette with my possum. I am still trying to find out more about a surgeon, Dr. Reed in Florida who offers 5 grants a year. It's a long process, I figure the rest of my life, so I'm not rushing. It's a good lesson in impulse control and patience. Never have been strong suits of mine.

It's wonderful how many other supportive Transwomen I've met lately here in the Valley. I now know of 5 others, I won't mention names, they have a tough enough life up here and two at least are going stealth, and they should, they had FFS and the work was perfect! Anyhow they've been great help to me. One holds my greatest respect, She's an elderly lady who is a real trailblazing pioneer. Her courage and strength has nothing but my absolute admiration. She was one of the first three women up here to achieve a name change and legal gender marker change. Way back in the super-awful old days. Beaten, brusied, abused, and STRONG. For her, in those times, there was no community, no supportive friends, no internet, nothing. She was all alone. She didn't even know about other women had her problem until she read an article about Christine Jorgensen - yes, she was there as it was happening! I'm amazed. I don't think I could have done it. I think I'd have given up. But She didn't. She's a heroine. Heck, she couldn't even find a Doctor or a psychiatrist who would touch her with a ten foot pole. It took years just for her to get some medical care. Wow. Things have come far since then. Although it's not far enough. We Transwomen are not anywhere near achieving equality in treatment, not even as much as our Gay friends have gotten. Many of us have insecure housing, jobs on the line, and constant fear of being abused physically, and add to that the bureaucracy that puts roadblocks into daily life, and families and friends who don't understand and won't support - it's still a hard road to walk. But with the example of really powerful willed and brilliant women all around me, I know I can do anything.

I'm seeing Mr. Blake next Wednesday. There's a good chance that he'll prescribe my HRT then. Oh, and it does appear that the hormones WILL be covered by Medicaid!!

So my next step is Nov. 7 at 4:00 PM when judge White will preside at my hearing whether or not to approve my name change and gender marker. I don't think it will be a problem since I live full time, have a G.I.D. diagnosis from a recognized and competent psychiatrist, and am undergoing electralysis, and believe me, my Driver's License looks NOTHING like I do now. Cashing checks anywhere but my usual bank is just about impossible, and I dread getting pulled over for speeding or a lamp out, etc.

Now for an explanation of the woman in the picture. Her name is Harisu, and she's a superstar in Korea. Her weby-sight is here, and enjoy. (and in case you haven't figured it out, she was born a boy)

The International Day of Peace.

2008-09-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

Good whenever-you-happen-t0-be-reading-this-time everyone!

I just got home from Choich, and am sitting down to a big bowl of one of my home-made soups. It's Tomato and beans and organic basil, with some virgin 1st pressed organic olive oil and red wine vinegar, and a touch of chili spicing, but not much at all.

It's Hot and Yummy, and with some Silver Hills no flour bread I'll be full all day, and be all kinds of super healthy!

Above you see a picture of yours truly, taken by my good friend and neighbor Matthew last night. It won't win awards, but at least Goblin and me are visible. I'll need to get another one done soon, it's pretty awful I admit.

Below it you can see a picture taken from DiDa's website.

As much as I adored the old Mego Star Trek dolls' Enterprise Carrycase/playset, These guys at DiDa have put it to shame. You can stick your own "bridge screen" pictures in there! One of these babies will be waiting under my tree Christmas Morning! When you live alone, with no S.O. , Old St. Nick puts you on the back burner, and a Girl's gotta take care of her needs ya know.

It's a Dollhouse!, It's a Spaceship!, It's a storage case! I could put makeup in there! I won't, but I could...

Imagine, Star Trekkin' around the universe in the Enterprise wearing short-skirts and living day to day with all those actor-handsome men... It's enough to give a girl the Vapors....

Well, now the news; Yesterday Michael and Charlie from the Human Rights Campaign interviewed me. Be looking for their video on their site here. We talked all about what it's like to be an open transsexual in the Matanuska valley of Alaska, a place where the residents refer to themselves as "Valley Trash". Seriously. No kidding.

And today happens to be the International Day of Peace. On this day, through the efforts of the UN; most of the world's combatants will recognize and observe a 24 hour cease fire. I had the honor and privilege of presiding over the ceremony held at our church. That means I got to ring a bell and call for a minute of silence coinciding with the UN's call for solidarity on this most CHRISTIAN of possible holidays.

I love our church. We are a diverse, "liberal", "Activist", unorthodox, and largely very literate and educated and active fellowship of American Baptists, and every one of them are both family and friend to me. On the sign outside our church is permanently written "God has no Outcasts", and we take that seriously. We also have a sign on our wall that reads "When Jesus said 'love thy neighbor', We think he probably meant 'don't kill them'." I walked in that church two years ago hesitantly and only to be support for a friend, since I'd long ago sworn off Christianity and the evils of religion. Church of the Covenant showed me the "Lesser Tradition" of christianity. The one that takes seriously treating others with love and respect no matter what, of listening instead of speaking, of taking actions to fight injustices. We treat the bible stories as what they are, Mythology, stories about god that illustrate humanity. I only mourn that so few people up here stay with us once exposed to our 'liberal' ideas of freedom, equality, justice (NOT vengeance), and mercy. Seems a great lot of people are only comfortable in churches that preach fear and hatred. A shame.

Anymore it seems there are more press than residents in these parts. The "Big Palin Flap" ( I'd prefer "Stupid-Blunder-so-Obvious-a-Trained-Chimpanzee-Would-Have-Made-A-Better-Running-Mate Flap" myself.) Anyhow, it's put cameras and microphones and cold, bewildered, and very curious people everywhere. Make Eye Contact and BAM! you're on camera. Where all that stuff goes I have no idea. You don't seem to see any of it on the net.

Well, I'm still making Pearl Jewelry. Here's a crappy photo of two recent Necklaces. They are real Pearls., but I used a kind of gemstone on the bigger blue one. Sadly, I don't remember what the crackly translucent/transparent stone was called, and I'm just plain too lazy to go look for the name just for my little blog. If it REALLY interests you, I'm sure you know how to use the web.

So, That's a nice long post, I guess it will do for now. I'm off to watch Russel Crow's sweaty muscles in Gladiator and string some beads. Oh, and turn the damn heat up, it's COLD outside. I really hate seeing the snow creep down the mountain sides everywhere I look. Blech!

Ciao Everyone! Be Fabulous!

Me, Current Events, and Star Trek toys.

2008-09-16T09:28:00.000-07:00

Good Morning!

Sorry I haven't posted for awhile. I'll try to do better now that I have online access at home.

A little news; George Takai (You know, Sulu on Star Trek) got Married on Monday! His longtime partner and one of my favorite actors get to live happily ever after together! Yay!

On Saturday was the big anti-Palin rally at the Lusac Library in Anchorage. The crowds were, by our standards, enormous. We expected maybe 100 to turn out - instead around 1000-1500 turned out, and a few of her supporters, just a handful stirred up by some radio jock who was giving the personal home numbers of the organizers out over the air advocating violence against Pro-Choice, Pro-Life women. It was a blast to have been there and a block party atmosphere prevailed.

In other news, literally, the Frontiersman's legal section is now printing my Notice of Petition to Change Name, which is very exciting. I'm jumping up and down in anticipation, with some nervousness too - I'm not exactly comfortable with going into courthouses- but Nov. 7 can't get here soon enough.

Now for a guilty admission of truth. I have Always been a Trekkie. I grew up on the adventures of Kirk and Spock, and the rest on my little 5" black and white TV in my bedroom, and loved nothing better than sitting on the living room floor and rapturously watching Kirk rip his shirt and sweatily wrestle the bad guys, in Color. Spock could use his brain to make phaser-atom-disintegrator-osterizer-radios with a paperclip, some toilet rolls, and a piece of window screen, and Bones would cure a rainy day. Great fun, and often a moral and thought-provoking message. Good Americans watched Star Trek!

Since Sulu is getting married, and I still have a small appendix interest in toys and toymaking I have to show off this wonderful find. Diamond Select Toys has returned the Mego Star Trek dolls of the '70s to modern toy shelves. It's Like a Great Fairy Godmother has blessed me with wonder! Proof God Loveses us and wants us to be happy! I longed to own a set of these when I was 8, my neighbor had the whole set and a vinyl Bridge playset. We explored the back yard and beamed down onto planet LivingRoom and the Great Hallway Cluster, and explored the Nebula of dustspecks in a Sunbeam.

When the big Star Wars toy crush of the late 70s came my hope for my own set washed down the drain. Nevertheless, even though I only ever had a Spock with no pants second-hand, I have harbored a desire to sit on the floor and play with my own bridge crew ever since. Now my heros at Diamond Select toys have blessed me with re-releasing the whole line, down to the bridge playset, and throwing in some dolls that had never been done, namely Sulu and Checkov. They've redone the Gorn character above, making it much better than the old 70s one, and threw in all kinds of baddies to boot! I love them! I know what Santa is Subsidizing this Christmas!

As if that isn't enough, the whole crew can choose to use the old mego bridge, which, let's face it is a bit....inaccurate?, colorful?. Not that that detracts from it's charm any. But for those who, like me, believe these great dolls deserve a great rendition of the bridge for thier adventures, Dida presents us with this fabulosity; http://www.didadisplays.com/customs_space.html

For some that's all well and good, but how about one of these? http://www.megomuseum.com/community/showthread.php?p=58891

Anyhow onto the rest of my life; I've now been introduced as "an activist" so I guess that makes me a foaming at the mouth sign waving hippie. Maybe I'm a communist! Even worse, I might be a .... liberal...!

It's sad that that word has aquired a connotation of some immoral innate "badness". Liberalism is, of course, a philosophy that a human being should be treated as such. That everyone deserves the right to work hard, and enjoy fruits of his labor, a good standard of living, health care, and meaningful job security and financial security. Liberals reach their hands out to help others who need help. Liberals deeply believe that education, and spiritual enlightenment, a good working relationship with whatever higher power, or religious interpretation that moves you will make your moral and ethical life better, and that those values will spread to the people around you. Libralism is the heart of Christianity. It's basis is in reason, and in the Commandment of Jesus to Love God with all your heart mind and soul, and TO LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF. It is embodied in the Golden Rule; "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Liberals are those people who deeply believe in Freedom. Freedom being that state in which one is not dictated to by a corporation who sets your wages and your work hours, and demands you become a cheap replaceable robot. Freedom is the state that you are in when you can park a worn out car in your front yard without trouble. Freedom is going to the library to learn about how to do something that you need to do, without finding the books banned, or the access limited to those with green in their pockets. Freedom is the ability to afford to send your children to school, so that they may live more easily and happily than yourself. Freedom is in the serenity that comes when your life is free of crushing debt, of the fear of becoming ill and not having the medicine you need, of not having anything when you get old and can't work, or of having your job suddenly disappear tomorrow. It's freedom when you live in a country where decent, hardworking, and loving people can get married and raise their children without being ripped apart by the drugs and alcohol, and anger, bitterness, and violence that is the result of oppressions. Oppression by Insurance companies, Mortage people and realtors, of rampant materialism and crushing workdays and no money to afford a few days lesiure once in a while. Oppression because you can't afford gas, clothes, heat, power, water, telephone, and food all in the same month, and you have children to look after. Oppression because you can't get a job you can be proud of with a management that values you and your labor. Freedom exists in a state where the national dialog is dominated by facts, not opinions. Where the news displays honest source material, and NOT it's opinion and commentary on the material - an educated person can come to their own opinion if granted the FACTS to work from.

And freedom is knowing with certainty that there is no electronic big brother peering in your windows, examining your email and tapping your phone. Where the rule of Law is based on Justice and not Vengence, and is always tempered with mercy.

These are the values that make a Democracy work, these are Liberal values, and these are, so far as I can see, NOT the values expressed by the neo-conservative, and theocratic end of our political spectrum. I see greed there, and a desire to use people as money making machines, strip mining human worth and dignity to pile up a wealth so fantastic that it's hard to believe. 1 rich and powerful person of every hundred controls 99 of every one hundred of it's dollars. Or, to put it another way, how free are you when you and all your friends only have 1 penny, and the man you work for has 99 dollars? Do you have the power to protect yourself from the tyrant unless the 99 penny holders come together and work to make things a bit more balanced? In a system like this that one rich man would be just as comparativly rich if he held 50% of the money, and the workers, splitting the other 50 would be able to live 50 times better than they do. It works in other nations, it can be done in ours.

thus, I am very pleased to be called Liberal.

Sun and Spraypaint.

2008-05-27T23:12:00.000-07:00

Tuesday night and here I am at the Meeting House, home of free internet for church deacons (or pretty much anyone else too.) It was a beautiful day, the sun shone brightly but the air was cool and comfortable. The mountains that surround The Valley were so clear...
I pity those of you who don't live in alaska, if you really like the whole snow covered mountain thing. As for me; it's pretty, but I'd rather see a skyline of tall splendid architechture glowing with lights in the rainy night... Mmmmmnn..... Seattle...
My girlfrins, Leslie and Kim, and Nicole have all been busy bees digging in the dirt (would that make them ants? certainly not beetles...) anyhow, they've been having a ball sticking thier greenstuffs in the dirt. I really don't like dirt. So, I don't help them, but I admire their efforts, and the plants are pretty, not that I can tell one from the other.
Dandylions are up now, so tomorrow I'll harvest me a bowl of greens. Yum!
It was pretty, which is a treacherous thing here in the Mat-Su valley, but I braved the weather gods and towed out my bookshelf for painting. I got a beautiful raspberry-magenta Krylon, but I was too much in a hurry. Since I didn't prime the yuckky wood laminate finish, and only lightly sanded it (might as well not have at all) my sloppyness ruined my pretty paint. It's such a transparent color that the faux woodgrain showed right through it. Worse, the paint ran in puddles. Man I hate rattlecans! So, lesson learned. I brought out my white primer and a sanding block and started all over. So, as a reminder of a lession one would think I'd learned by now, haste wasted two expensive cans of Krylon, and a whole sunny windless day.... Grrr!
The paint can be replaced of course. At least if I ever get my money from the unscrupulous wench who won't let it slide from her clinched fist. Sunny windless days? This is PALMER, home of the world famous Palmer Winds which hit hurricane force at least once a year, and full gales about 3 or 4. Ah well, life is beautiful, and the imperfections of the world lend it character and intrest.

New Endings and Old Beginings.

2008-05-27T01:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I posted. That's partly because I keep a busy schedule, and partly because I don't have internet access at home anymore (well almost; I do have limited net access on my Nokia). I've been learning to sew, re-decorating my apartment. Do you like my new coffee table? It's my old coffee table, but with a bright Chinese Red top, black sides and legs, and ferns and dragonflies stenciled on top. The entertainment center in the background is going to get a nice coat of fuschia/magenta paint, and by Winter I will have new drapes, carpet, and bright intense saturated hues all over my living room. Things have been changing in my world. As I've worked my mental health recovery program, and done lot's of therapy I've come to learn much about myself. I've grown to the point where I no longer feel like putty or play-dough, conforming myself to other's expectations so that I find love and acceptance. It seems I'm begining to love me for who I am, and that's being expressed in whole new ways. I'm begining to love and nurture my body, finding no shame in being either fat or gay. As a confirmation of the ending of my shame, and the excitement of the future I undertook getting a tatoo on the top of my foot. It will be done in two stages. The first is already finished, and nearly healed up. it is the Chinese character Q'ing. The second will be a pink triangle with a purple border that will encompass the Q'ing, and embrace it. I've taken to painting my nails; Wine purple for my toes, and burgundy for my fingers. I have started to wear jewelry; toe rings, bracelets, and anklets. And my hair is dyed to a reddish brunette hue. Add to that new and beautiful clothes, I have to say, I feel beautiful and sexy and very pleased to be me.
In my mental and spiritual realm I finally admitted that my soldiering hobby just wasn't compatible with my buddhist and christian inspired views of lovingkindness, non-violence, and respect to all beings. I have purged toy collections and books many times in my life. Usually these purges coincided with manic phases, or with a desire to fulfill some new obsession. But this is a very different affair. Why? Because I feel strongly that war is nothing but endless suffering on a mass scale. Not only the killing of soldiers, civilians, and animals, but also the rape of the land, disease, starvation, rape, madness, chaos, and anguish.

Representing the infernal machines we use to do this horror, then trivializing the misery into a child's plaything, well, it just doesn't sit right with me anymore. So, away with all that.
Now, I've sent those playthings away forever. And I don't feel any interest in ever buying toys or warbooks again. Or obsessivly buying any things. Stuff simply isn't worth the strain on my money, the endless obsessions for more, or the chaos of clutter. I have been accepting a healthier life of friendhips, voluteer service, personal artwork, and simply enjoying the fruits of living well. As for the photo; that's my new nail polish. Sadly the batteries on the camera died before I could get a good shot of my new tatoo; Q'ng. The kanji for compassion, love and tender passion for others. I'm going to get some new pic's after my all new wardrobe arrives.

This Means War!

2008-02-16T02:32:00.000-08:00

In spite of a hectic and heavy week full of evictions, emergency room runs, suicide threats, romantic valentine's dinners, apartment inspections, doctor's visits, therapy sessions, LGBT meetings, Political meetings, and an assortment of other distractions, and most traumatically - shaving ol' Goblin, (For someone with no job, I am way too busy) I have accomplished a life goal!
I have erected a four by eight foot slab of plywood that I grandiosely yclept Terrabella. Or for those not up to speed; my wargaming table. In fact, I'm already well on the way to covering it with rivers, roads, and all the battlefield terrain I could ever want, over which my tidy toy regiments may parade and, with the kind permission of thier enemies, open fire to the rattle of thrown dice in the best tradition of the Grande Siecle.
Since this blog isn't here for my wargaming hobby, I'll direct those with curiosity about Terrabella to jump over to my Warplay blog. Instead I want to move on to tell about my experiences at the MEA board meeting on Tuesday.
That was a cesspit pure and simple.
The boards most recent election was counted without any observers present. The board has passed resolutions that deny a seat to any member who "has contact" with a Union member, a resolution passed specifically to deny a crusading elected member her seat, as her husband is a union organizer. The Association, though it claims to be a Co-op, has had a recurring policy of deliberately denying the public members their voice through tactics of a decidedly un-American nature. But hey, they say the pledge of Allegiance at the beginning of their meetings, so at least the political conservatives don't complain about losing their liberties.
Persons who come just to sit and observe the proceedings must fill out long "guest forms" so that the audience can be numbered and marked by the company for retaliation if their "free speech" is inconvenient. In fact, to speak at all, to have a simple say and address the board of the company that gets money from you and is owned by you not only requires a form, but also has a three minute limit, during which they may interrupt your address as is convenient. The organs of the company are controlled by unscrupulous men who have repeatedly acted immorally and dodged repercussions for their actions. Actions such as; using public money for private advertisements, holding on to committee appointments long past their termination dates (as much as three years) as prescribed by the bylaws of the company and even undertaking actions in clear contempt of inconvenient board-voted decisions.
Strange to say, as loathsome as I find these injustices, I find my self shaking my head and sighing. As I continue my readings in history I see the patterns again and again. Foolish men putting themselves in power, wielding it like a medieval mace, and, ultimately destroying the very organs that keep them alive politically.
Many great things have been said over the centuries about liberty and the responsibilities it entails, I will not repeat them here. I will say that tyranny grows because good men do nothing, and I encourage you, my reader, to take active roles in your local government. Please, attend caucuses, go to board and council meetings, learn how the machines of the government you take for granted actually work. No matter how ardently you love freedom, how proudly you wave your "Old Glory"s and how much emotion fills your voice when you sing the anthem, you are either a slave of the system or an active participant in government. Choose wisely.

The feeling of success

2008-01-19T03:32:00.000-08:00

After 5 long years of promising to post some photos of my soldier collection. I finally got started. Just click on the link here to go to my Toy soldier Album. I hope you enjoy it!

Lights! Camera! Action!!

2008-01-18T09:48:00.000-08:00

After some 5 years of promises, I finally got started photographing my toy soldier collection. What a great feeling! I put a lot of hard work into painting, and sometimes casting those little sculptures and seeing them in the display of my camera makes me feel great! This encourages me to begin working on my own sculpts and designs. I want to plan the poses around wargaming needs, and I've chosen a 54mm scale, but more on that anon.

What's wonderful is that I'm a hair away to posting the first photo session; covering my 7 year's war figures, my old D&D miniatures, and my Civil War guys. perhaps today I will cover knights and castles, and the few traditional green plastic armymen that I've gotten done. finally will be my 1/72 civil war infantry. I have more figures around here, but they haven't been painted yet. And I've been clearing out the closets, so I'll be putting a big lot on ebay of ho figures and 1/72 WWI biplanes sometime very soon.

Well, that's my post for now, but let me leave you with a link to this site, Imaginary Foundation, which has some very cool stuff. Ah, to be wallowing in cash. Where's my Money-Bush??

The Good, The Bad, and the Guilty.

2008-01-16T22:25:00.000-08:00

The good news. It turns out I wasn't robbed at all. I've found where my missing stuff is. I loaned it to my dad and then forgot I'd loaned it. But not knowing where it was fired up my own dysfunctional schemas. Rumor and other happenings around the building was used to fill in blanks in my mind and weave a story that made neighbors and friends into bad guys and myself into a victim or martyr. Then, as myself a victim, I get to have the permission of my brain to cast about for someone who will give me pity and sympathy which equates to attention love.

The bad is that I've trained my mind into the whole victim mentality over the years, so the old noodle filters out the reality, and strains it for evidence that people are wanting to hurt me. Rigorous honesty becomes hard, because in my core I "Know" I'm unlovable, so, desiring to be loved, I play for the sympathy of a victim hoping it will fulfill that hole in my feelings. It doesn't. Doing that sort of crap just makes you feel like a brown corn log in the porcelain bowl. honesty begins inside yourself, and the insight you find will ruin a good sympathy jag.

The Guilty; well I insinuated or gossiped that I thought I knew the thief. Of course I didn't since there wasn't one. So guilt rises from the shadowy feeling of having lied, which justified the parts where I asserted that the door to my apartment was always locked, there are short times when it isn't, not often but some. Guilty that two State Troopers had to stop here on a windy freezing night to dust for fingerprints and fill out paperwork, and bother my neighbors until 1 or 2 am.

In Telling the person who is a friend that I was suspicious of them has fired up her own victim issues. The guilty part of me is telling me that I'm responsible for her hurt feelings. The truth is, I did a dishonesty to her, a slander, and I apologized directly to her and admitted I was wrong. Now she gets to do what she wants with it, Be angry, be sad, be a victim, be spiteful. Those feelings are valid, and if it were me there would be a whole cascade more of negative thoughts driving the beliefs she holds of others and her world.

I accept that whatever feelings she has. They are hers and are real to her. She's welcome to them even when I'm uncomfortable if she stays within the boundary of law. I am reigning in as best I can that hated old voice in my head that screams and shouts and demands that I save her and fix her, and make new fibs that might convince her to forgive me and make it OK. It's already OK. If she wants to she can give forgiveness, if she doesn't thats something I cannot make happen. Either way I am still me, and lacking the power to control or change how she feels. Her emotions belong to her and along with her thoughts are locked in the box of bone above her shoulders that I'll never be able to see into. Therefore it isn't just, and it isn't true to believe that I have a magic power that will change her thoughts into thoughts I want her to have about me.

To sum up; Events happen. I can interpret them as I choose, Letting the interaction between thought and feelings drive either good or bad behavior. I chose poorly, That makes me on the side of the perfect/not-perfect divide occupied by the entire human race, but I offered amend and sincere apology. I think I am still a good person. I will keep walking toward the place where I am a perfect person.

-Bel.

Mood Crash.

2008-01-16T02:11:00.000-08:00

All the excitement about putting together a game has gone. I came home from a fine day doing my errands and appointments to discover that someone has let themselves into my home and made off with a few things. It wasn't a great dramatic robbery, just one or two things really not more than 200 or 300 bucks I guess. most of my stuff is just fine certainly the important things, the cats; Goblin and The Imp, are perfectly fine. I don't really give a bleep about the movies and games, small stuff comes and goes. Things aren't really important in the strict sense, but I'm a custodian of some antique books, machines that belong to a friend, and the "owner" of two cats, in addition to my own sense of security and well being. Weird thing is, our mysterious thief has magicked himself through a locked door and drawn windows.

I'm having the locks changed.

Stuff on the Web! And Role Playing Games.

2008-01-15T15:32:00.000-08:00

Heydy-Hey Ya'll.

First I'm going to have to post this link since a clear-as-glass winged butterfly is new to me, and did you know that fungus can be a wicked cowboy style predator? Well the blog Circus of the Spineless has come to your rescue to educate and wow us with the awesome world of beasties with no backbones.

Nextly (can I say that?) The world is much improved by the artwork and intelligence (in both senses of the word) of my good friends Scott Elyard and Zack Miller, whose respective blogs; Coherent Lighthouse, and When Pigs Fly are as cool as they come. Go There! It's an Order!

With Luck they will light beacons for the lost, slop the hogs of ignorance, and dry the spittle of the moonstruck.

In speaking of Slobbering Lunatics, I'm happy to announce that I now have regained custody of my old D&D lead figures (I left them at my friends house during a game some while back), Thanks Scott! Pouring over them brings back the waft of Paint and Thinner, the burning tang of CyanoAcrylic, and the mists of rattlecan primers. The Joys of my Youth. And with the arrival of a DMG and Players' Handbook replacing the long lost Tomes of Times Past (Who knows, maybe someday the copy with my 1990 graduation sticker will one day cross my path) I have determined to play again. Bringing back memories of tall sweaty glasses of iced tea, clattering dice, furious late night typing, and the piles and piles of dead orcs, goblins, trolls, and skeletons. Bodies everywhere and Gold for the Bold.

And so, new projects for me on the Horizon, besides the movie and the Art Show. With Maps done, I only have to work up villians, villages, dungeons, a Calendar, An exhaustive and complete equipment list that includes the origin point and common purchase places of consumables and comestibles, some interesting friendly NPCs and a few other little pets, like a wandering monster table.

Oh, and I shouldn't forget the Army of Polyesterdelphia I'm doing with green plastic armymen, and the toy castle I want to assemble and paint that's stashed in the closet. Some figure sculpture, lead casting, and puppet making and Zoids moulds. Ahhh, the joys of Obsession and Compulsion...

Well, that's the post for today. Evidently I'll need more soon.

Oh, and for sitting through this I post a "Do Not Disturb" sign I threw together this weekend for a dear friend, included because it's title is "DND". Enjoy!

New sketch, quick post.

2008-01-11T01:04:00.000-08:00

Hey again,

Jotted this down tonight with my tablet and stylus in Photoshop. No paper was harmed in this drawing.

Who is Thugides? Why is he bold? Hint: think wicked, think wizard, think RPGs....

Tacitus, a prophetic Roman writer indeed...

2008-01-06T14:07:00.000-08:00

Just ran across this quote from Tacitus:

Brigands of the world, after the earth has failed their all-devastating hands, they probe even the sea; if their enemy be wealthy, they are greedy; if he be poor, they are ambitious; neither the East nor the West has glutted them [...]
They plunder, they slaughter, and they steal: this they falsely name Empire, and where they make a wasteland, they call it peace.

For some reason, I just couldn't help thinking of our government, commercial enterprises and the Iraq war...

Worlds of Wonder, for reals!

2007-12-24T02:22:00.001-08:00

I just stumbled upon the neatest site (or at least the neatest today). ExtraSolar Visions; http://www.extrasolar.net/

These fine folks have beautiful visualizations of real extra solar and distant intrasolar worlds (and Arrakis of Frank Herbert fame tossed in for fun). They also have lots of other goodies if you are an astronomy, astrophysics, or general space buff. Or for that matter, if, like me, you are just a bit of a nerd who still dreams of rocketing around the universe and walking/ swimming/floating on

weird exotic worlds.

The Commish...

2007-12-23T14:33:00.000-08:00

Yay! I've just finished my latest commission. This is a cleaned up digital photo of the canvass. 'twas done in oils and I got it in under the deadline, so it will be under the patron's tree this Christmas. This is the first time I've done oil work since the late 90's. Far from perfect but Pretty I think.

Edward is my middle name!

2007-12-13T01:53:00.000-08:00

Edward R. Murrow, a man who makes me proud to wear my middle name, has been presented onscreen in the person of David Stratheim, and under the very capable direction of George Clooney (Who knew?).

Were I a teacher, I'd run this film every semester... It's even better than "Red Zone Cuba" and that's a fact! (No, really, the other show in my late night matinee tonight was MST3K's showing of "Red Zone Cuba", a real contender for the most incomprehensible pile of unedited celluloid ever made, in other words "A film that dares you to watch it" but I digress).

I respect Clooney, who has a screenwriting credit on this, for bringing sheer awesome to the big screen. Like his protagonist, it has been shunted aside by the public in favor of more entertaining fare, nevertheless this was an effort that gets "The Big Thumb's Up".

Now, on to why this bit of movie magic so impresses me. It's extremely topical on two levels at least. The first, FEAR. Fear is a fantastic motivator to stupidity, and to my way of thinking has really greased the ramp that brought our current bumbling administration to office. In further posts I'll cover the reasons for my dissatisfaction with the American Body Politic, a beautiful creature wracked with hopefully curable disease and how fear has been the chief sepsis.

That other level I mentioned, perhaps should be labeled Apathy, which with Hunger, and Want will be shielding itself under the robes of Christmas Present this year. Only apathy, or maybe more surely a cocktail of Apathy and Fear, can explain how intelligent, well meaning people can prefer Cable TVs endless smorgasbord of sensationalist opinion cloaked as news , to the real thing, or the gross disparity between shows of entertainment and shows of education, or worse still to me; that monstrosity "edu-tainment" which should be a great idea - entertaining education, but has become some mutant hobgoblin of silliness clothed as documentary, and documentaries that lack facts, documentation, and substance.

.....sigh. If I were a more sarcastic and bitter fellow, I'd concede to the hopelessness of the situation. I am not without hope. We are still a free nation. We have a long tradition of troubles and triumphs, and we have behind us an unprecedented level of achievement and all the strength of a great people if only we muster it.

Our shared woes suck, certainly, but they are OURS, and only we can confront them, debate them, end them, and then take on new ones. This hope, this inspiration, is the message I derive from this great film celebrating the courage of one of the Greatest Generation's Greatest. Hat's off and a rousing applause for Mr. Clooney!

Good Night, and Good Luck,

Bel.